THE next Manchester United manager is a caretaker, the one after that will last five games and his successor will be sacked by Christmas. Who will they all be?
Darren Fletcher, January 2026 to May 2026
Plucky Scot and club legend who will rally the team, score impressive results against big opponents which gloss over the draws against crap ones, be given a permanent contract in April and immediately oversee a dramatic slump which sees the club finish 14th. Fired with six-figure payoff.
Xavi, June 2026 to September 2026
La Liga winner and non-English speaker who will be given the top job because he’s the only one who actively wants it. Will spend £200m shaping the team into his preferred 3-4-2-1 without success because the players are too confused after years of different formations and don’t want to. Fired after losing four games with a six-figure payoff.
Martin O’Neill, September 2026 to December 2026
After successfully guiding Celtic to the heady heights of second last season, the 74-year-old is poached for his old-school tactics and no-nonsense man-management to basically be Continuity Fergie. Will find Premier League a little harder than running one of the two teams in Scotland with money, but will grimly hang on for his six-figure payoff.
Bruno Fernandes, December 2026 to April 2027
‘We’ve tried experienced managers, promising new managers, club legends and all the f**king rest,’ muses Jim Ratcliffe. ‘But we haven’t tried a 1970s-style player-manager.’ Consequently Bruno is elevated to the position, forthrightly picks massive scraps with referees, other managers and his own teammates, and receives a seven-figure payoff.
The entire class of 92, April 2027 to October 2027
Facing relegation, United bring in all the legends. Ryan Giggs, Nicky Butt, both Nevilles, Paul Scholes and David Beckham team up and through collective force of will and an incredibly expensive team manage to stay up on the last day. A two-bus parade later, they’re given the permanent job and are shit at it. Collective payoff £280 million.
Zinedine Zindane, October 2027 onwards
Tempted out of retirement by all the money in the world, Zidane has a simple philosophy: he stands imperiously in the dressing room, arms folded, and declares ‘I am Zidane. Worship me.’ This is the only English he bothers to learn. United immediately win every game and a second treble. As a reward, some of the squad are allowed to touch him.
