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Experts to probe mystery of Keith Allen's 'career'

RESEARCHERS are to launch a fresh study into what Keith Allen is for.

It will be the fourth major attempt by Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, who has spent more than 20 years trying to find out how exactly Allen became moderately famous.

He said: “It’s driven me to the brink of insanity and I hear the song Vindaloo in my dreams.

“He looks like a perverted conker and his main attributes are obnoxiousness and a tiny scale model of a penis that is on public display at least five times a day.

“Is shouting a talent? Or walking out of late night Channel 4 panel shows that have been contrived simply to make you walk out of them?

“And yet he has twice as much money as me and has shagged thingy from Press Gang. Dexter Fletcher never even got a go on that.”

Professor Brubaker’s obsession has taken him deep into the shady underworld of Allen investigators.

He said: “Some call themselves ‘Listerine-ists’ and believe that Keith’s fame stems from voicing Clifford the Listerine tooth fairy.

“Then there’s the ‘Daughter-ists’ and the ‘Mates-With-New-Order-ists’.

“Personally I think it’s a conspiracy by the royal family to create a self-regarding clown who will divert media attention from Prince Philip’s peccadillo for gutting teenage prostitutes with a wavy-bladed dagger.”