Desert Island Discs, with [REDACTED]

MUSIC has always been my first love. Well, that’s if you don’t count [REDACTED] who I had a brief but dirty fling with, back in 1979.

Those were heady years – the soundtrack was Blondie, Buggles and The Boomtown Rats, even though the Boomtown Rats were actually shit. The one song which reminds me of my romance with [REDACTED] was Love Patrol by The Dooleys.

Something, something, something
Something, something, something
Something, something, something

I’m on love patrol, and I won’t let go
Til I something, something, something
Cos I’m on love patrol, lalalalalalalala

Something, something, something

Unforgettable stuff.

Yes, I can safely say that The Dooleys were my favourite band. Well, actually that’s not strictly true, but I’m not allowed to mention [REDACTED] as I’m currently involved in a legal battle to have my name airbrushed from their authorised biography which mentions my alleged presence at a bubble-wrap skat orgy.

My second choice is a record by an old mucker of mine. Oh, and before I go any further – don’t worry, I’ve run this one by the legal eagles and they’ve given me the green light. Yes, this was a massive hit ‘back in the day’ – in fact I was actually there in the studio with Gary Glitter when he recorded I’m The Leader Of The Gang (I Am). They were happy, innocent, carefree days – hanging out with all the young dudes at the Walton Hop Disco, and afterwards a trip to the local amusement arcade.

Unfortunately I can’t tell you the name of my third song, who it’s by or have it played on the air as the artist has taken out an injunction preventing me from being associated with their music in any way. As I said to my lawyer, ‘what’s the big deal? It’s only fucking Cold[REDACTED]’.

My luxury would be an iPhone so I can pretend to be outraged by the number of people on Twitter who are mentioning my name, in spite of the fact it’s the sole reason sales of my latest book, CD, DVD and clothing range are currently going through the roof.

And for my book I’m going to take [REDACTED] by [REDCATED] even though I do like to read passages from it while [REDACTED] oils her [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] my [REDACTED] with a massive dildo.