Fresh blow for human nature as experts say it includes religion

THE reputation of human nature plumbed new depths last night as experts claimed it includes believing in god.

An international study found that blindly accepting things for which there is not a shred of evidence is a fundamental part of who you are, especially if you are an American or ‘some kind of fucknut’.

Dr Stephen Malley, from Roehampton University, said: “Because belief in God is innate, trying to get rid of it is ultimately futile. If I was Richard Dawkins I would just pack it in and open a Domino’s franchise.”

The study also found that people who live in urban areas with libraries and homosexuals are less likely to believe in God than the sort of gap-toothed dung shovellers who think Jesus makes their potatoes nice and fat.

It is the latest crisis for human nature already burdened by violence, dishonesty, greed and a fondness for watching freaks on the telly.

Dr Julian Cook, from the Institute for Studies, said: “What we have actually discovered is that religion is natural – for tiny children.

“Therefore adults who believe in god should not be allowed to drive, have sexual intercourse or vote and should shut their stupid little faces whenever I tell them to.”

Lecter hired PR firm to smear the shark from 'Jaws'

Go ad-free

HANNIBAL Lecter used a public relations firm to mount a smear campaign against his chief rival in flesh-eating villainy, it has emerged.

The cannibal psychiatrist hired Burson-Marsteller to plant a series of negative stories in the press about the great white shark from Jaws and how it likes to steal its victim’s personal details before biting them in half.

But the tactic was exposed when a leading shark expert published an email from the PR firm asking for dirt on the 17 foot-long man eater.

Dr Matt Hopper said: “They wanted me to say that the shark was making a woman suit out of human skin.

“When I explained that sharks are not generally transsexual they then asked me if I would at least say that the shark had displayed a ‘cavalier attitude’ to personal privacy.

“Although eating someone could be described as an invasion of their personal space, I did not want to bring sharkology into disrepute and therefore declined.”

The smear campaign is the latest episode in the intense rivalry between the two as they seek to outdo each other in their insatiable desire for human flesh.

Lecter said last night: “Read Marcus Aurelius. Of each particular thing ask – what is it in itself? What is its nature?

“The shark covets. That is his nature. And how do we begin to covet, Clarice? We begin by coveting what we see every day. Passwords, email accounts, pin numbers and secret porn folders marked ‘boring money stuff’.”

But the shark insisted: “This is bullshit. I ate five people and a labrador. He eats 27 people – with wine – but somehow I’m the fucking bad guy?

“Stick it up your arse.”

Next story ›