Rampant Gurkhas Will Chop Your Head Off, Warns Brown

30-04-09

PRIME minister Gordon Brown has warned of large piles of severed heads if thousands of tiny Gurkhas are given the right to live in the UK.

The Kukri: It's not used for spreading jam

Mr Brown urged MPs to think again after the House of Commons rejected his plans to introduce a height restriction for the fearsome Nepalese soldiers

New Avenger Joanna Lumley said: "The prime minster proposed a completely unreasonable restriction of five foot six inches knowing full well that most Gurkhas are too small to go on the Nemesis at Alton Towers."

Ms Lumley has vowed to continue her campaign of vengeance despite being arrested last week for trying to smuggle 14 Ghurkas into the country under her skirt.

But the prime minister told the House of Commons last night: "They don't mess about. They'll whip out their Kukris and lop your head off soon as look at you.

"They might even stick it on a spike as a warning to others. And they're really, really small which means they can sneak up behind you and before you know it your head is bouncing along the pavement like a dropped melon."

He added: "Don't get me wrong, I have huge respect for the Gurkhas but they are basically Britain's equivalent of Luca Brasi in The Godfather.

"Extremely useful at frightening the bejesus out of people you don't like, but you don't necessarily want them hanging about the house."

A Downing Street spokesman later added: "We've put the country £1.4 trillion in debt, government ministers are chin-deep in sleaze and the cops are beating merry hell out of everyone. We just felt that the obvious next step was to tell thousands of heroic soldiers to go fuck themselves."

  • Share: