Your astrological week ahead for May 3rd, with Psychic Bob
What if the stars are one giant dot-to-dot we must complete to reveal how the universe works? Can we get astrophysicists on that?
MEN on a boys-only getaway are concocting ridiculous reasons for calling the women they share their lives with so as not to lose face.
DAVID Beckham is 50, sending most of the nation into PTSD flashbacks of life under the relentless bombardment of publicity about him and his wife. How did you survive?
THE entire media has taken up a chant of ‘Go right-wing!’ aimed at all political parties, while leaping up and down excitedly.
WAKING in a gutter in Lambeth with a hangover that is causing my head to rotate like an owl’s, I realise I have no memory of who I am; it seems the brain cells containing that vital information have been urinated away.
IT’S obvious that Trump’s minions have to utterly abase themselves or be booted out like Mike Waltz. So would you have the lack of self-respect you need? Take our quiz.
THE first act of new Reform MP Sarah Pochin, who won Runcorn and Helsby by six votes, is to forbid recounts.
REFORM have announced that Labour may still be an issue, but they have definitely shafted the Conservative party.
IT all came into focus with that vulgar orange, green and white balaclava. Everything wrong with our world has a single cause: pop music.
Politics
A MAN who learned nothing from the charlatans and liars who brought him a Brexit that improved his life not even slightly is excited to vote for Reform.
TERRIFIED of a Reform wipeout in local elections, Labour is steeling itself to be as racist as it can. But what do actual right-wing voters think? Roy Hobbs gives his verdict.
Liz Truss, Britain’s most condensed prime minister, is launching a social media network for uncensored free speech. And we, as a nation, have a moral duty to join.
THEY come in all varieties, in a host of little outfits, they’re very collectable and they bring me joy. So why does everyone have to carp about my collection of Reform UK dolls?
A DISGRUNTLED Nigel Farage has complained that nobody informed him MPs could be called into Parliament on Saturdays at short notice.
Society
BRUTAL nautical punishments would be a more fitting penalty for headphone dodgers than a £1,000 fine, commuters agree.
A CYCLIST is gratified that the severe danger he poses to innocent pedestrians is finally being recognised in law.
IS your child so much more special than the others they need extra time to do their exams? Could there be any doubt? Give yourself as long as you need for these questions.
THE world is mourning Pope Francis, but how does he stand up against your own top ten pontiffs? We check the rankings.
YESTERDAY’S Supreme Court decision means nothing to me. I still have no idea what characteristics could possibly constitute a woman, and I’m proud of it.
Lifestyle
CARING husband Stephen Malley has noticed his wife is struggling to balance work and childcare and, like a hero, has come up with a gorgeous Mediterranean solution.
HELLO, I’m Wayne Hayes and there isn’t a service station I’ve haven’t visited in my well-maintained Dacia Sandero. These are indisputably the best.
AN OPPORTUNISTIC wedding planner is earning up to £2,400 per wedding for providing couples with a bespoke day identical to every other one.
A MAN obviously considers his beard and moustache to be the best thing he has ever done with his life, and may sadly be correct.
A MAN’S internal biological rhythms are telling him it is time to become a dad who does the absolute bare minimum.
A MAN openly smoking crack on the London Underground has made the news. It’s already known for its nutters, gangs and perverts, so how should you annoy and horrify passengers in your own inimitable way?
Sport
A 63-YEAR-OLD man has explained to his grandchildren that once, Liverpool were just as successful and twatty about it as Manchester City are today.
COMPETITORS in the London Marathon are running into an actual, physical wall and attempting to grittily push through it.
FOOTBALL fans from chic, sophisticated Paris are currently in Birmingham due to a foul quirk of the Champions League.
GARETH Southgate believes all young people should miss a crucial penalty at a major football championship as a learning experience.
NEW England manager Thomas Tuchel has chosen the same tired old players who lost the last two Euros finals. Who should he have picked instead?
Science & Technology
THE matriarch of a xenomorph hive is to join Katy Perry on today’s all-female space launch, it has been confirmed.
A UK-based bellend is frustrated he cannot advertise his credentials as his area’s leading arsehole by driving a Tesla Cybertruck.
TEENAGERS have asserted there is no way anyone could ban their phones or social media because they have no idea.
THE government believes AI will save Britain, but before hopping on this particular bandwagon, maybe it should consider these glaring issues?
Arts & Entertainment
ARE you fond of certain musical acts but know you’d be horribly out of place in their actual audience? Here are some you have slight reservations about listening to.
INTERNET scammers have performed the public service of removing wealth from Oasis fans and returning it to the wider, non-Oasis-based economy.
MUSIC festivals are boring, tiring and you are an arsehole when you are drunk, children have told their parents.
SUMMER is approaching, and with it music festivals booking legacy acts for lazy nostalgia draws. These acts will stretch out their 15 minutes of fame for an excruciating 40.
BORED of chocolate eggs and Jesus? Why not watch someone nailed to the floor of an East End warehouse instead? Here are some questionable family movies for the Easter weekend.
Business
UNACCOUNTABLY, it appears acting the twat in front of the whole world can damage perceptions of you. No matter. This is my genius plan to turn that around.
THE UK is re-examining its long-held belief that allowing foreign billionaires to control every aspect of its daily life is a simply brilliant idea.
HIGH street WH Smith shops will be renamed TGJones after a £76 million buyout. Do you have an alternative name?
THE UK has admitted it has never heard of the ‘Aloo-min-um’ the US is supposedly imposing a 25 per cent tariff on.
Work
GETTING a group of co-workers to mesh can be a challenge, but you don’t need to waste money on wanky team-building events. Simply appeal to their basest instincts, like this...
AN office worker is struggling to remember how to look busy while accomplishing nothing after four days of total leisure.
‘YOU’RE fired’ is so harsh and Trumpian. A caring workplace focused on your wellbeing will use these euphemisms to soften the blow.
A WOMAN given a new role and job title is unsure whether she is being recognised for her outstanding work or treated like a prize twat.
THE customer contact teams at all Heathrow-based airlines have been given a surprise Friday off to spend at their leisure.
TOUGH decisions about who is deserving of disability benefits and who is not are to be outsourced to solid, dependable daytime drinkers.
Alcohol
MOCKED as the alcoholic beverages of choice for builders and bus-stop pissheads, these drinks are ripe for gentrification in Shoreditch pop-up bars.
EASTER is less popular with Brits than Christmas or other bank holidays because it’s not a licence to get totally shitfaced. Here’s how to liven it up with games involving alcohol abuse.
REGULARS at a pub quiz have confirmed it is a battle arena at which they release their repressed masculinity via knowledge of trivia.
A MAN who ordered a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc for the table is completely confident in his heterosexuality, it has emerged.
