AFTER reading The Sun I agree my parents should be forced to sell their home to pay for old age care instead of funding it through tax. Here’s how the billionaire-owned tabloid convinced me.

ANDY Burnham is stupidly frittering his time on issues like buses and social care. This is not the job of the prime minister, who should be laser-focused on things like this:

EVERYONE is speculating about my plans as PM, but no one has guessed I intend to turn Britain into the nightmarish ‘grimdark’ world of Warhammer 40k. Here’s what to expect. 

REMEMBER June 2024? When Britain was a paradise? When taxes were low, public services thriving, the armed forces roaring with power?

AT lunchtime today, I will be made the leader of the Labour Party. Whoop-di-f**king-woo. Think I give a shit about that?

THE Green leader re-posted an image of a man wearing a guillotine T-shirt on social media. Is that because he secretly loves lopping heads off?

A PAIR of designer sandals are doing an incredible job of caking their owner’s feet in filth.

ANDY Burnham is helping struggling music venues, but this is bad news if you've got a muso friend who keeps insisting on seeing awful bands. Here's how to minimise your suffering.

GARY Lineker’s call for millionaires to be taxed more has proved beyond doubt that he is evil incarnate.

BOMBARDING social media with holiday photos is the best part of going away. Which insufferable snaps are you posting online?

A FATHER is refusing to let a spot of uncontrollable wildfire ruin his family’s holiday in Bordeaux.

OFF to sunny climes completely not expecting it to piss it down? These unfulfilling emergency pastimes will take your mind off knowing you could be in Britain for free.

MILLIONS of Britons have agreed to end the misery of painfully awkward occasional conversations with their neighbours.

YET another woman with a successful corporate job is leaving to follow her ludicrous middle-class passion.

A MAN has opted for agonising sunburn after concluding that a male friend applying sun cream would be gay.

LONG-TERM unemployment means playing the long game. And while all you suckers have been buying houses, cars and holidays, my grift has paid off big-time.

EVERYONE agrees sex in forbidden places is incredibly thrilling. However some locations may make you wish you’d stuck with your bed. Like these.

A MAN did not notice his girlfriend was keeping a conversation going even though he was not physically present.

BEING dumped can be devastating, but thankfully there’s no way you could be to blame. Here are the real reasons she did it. 

A MAN’S girlfriend kept helpfully interjecting while he was telling a funny story to ensure it was an accurate account of events. 

NAN passed away four years ago, but Grandad is coping. He's been to Bangkok and now he's introducing people to his ‘special friend’. Here's how to deal with it.

'EXPLORING your sexuality' sounds like a worthy attempt to grow as a sexual being, but are you just using it as an excuse to cheat? Take our quiz.

AS I explained in a somewhat tetchy interview with The Economist, an incredible tech-topia awaits humanity thanks to me. Here's what it will be like when I actually do it.

THERE are plans to add 'AI' to the secondary school curriculum, but you’re probably wondering what exactly pupils will learn. Most likely these things.

A GRANDMOTHER is operating her TV remote as if she intends to crush it into oblivion.

THIS week OpenAI claimed an AI ‘went rogue’, but does anyone believe their melodramatic tales anymore? In fact scepticism is well overdue for AI nonsense like this.

DONALD Trump has made at least $1 billion from cryptocurrency, it has emerged. So who better to give advice on putting your money into this risky and complex investment?

IN Transformers, Megan Fox is an expert on cars because her dad taught her. But fatherly advice is not the only reason women are permitted to know stuff. Here are some more.

STRUGGLING to start a conversation with the hot girl who has blessed a gig with her presence? These are the sound reasons she is ignoring you.

IN a new relationship everything about each other is fascinating, so you won’t want to admit you mostly watch films about violent robots. Here’s what your film taste should be.

WAKING up with a hangover so raging it has been declared a national emergency, I quaff several gallons of water to control the unfolding crisis.

YOUR teenage years are notoriously awkward, so what advice would you give to Prince George, who turned 13 this week?

WOULD it be wrong to use blood harvested from the late Sam Neill to create an entire island of cloned Sam Neills as a tourist attraction? We debate.

TAYLOR Swift is contemplating just how many hit songs would come from cancelling her wedding just before it happened.

AN office worker is living in fear of a colleague who believes he is a real friend and not merely a work friend. 

FANCY being able to call yourself something impressive like ‘tycoon’? Sadly these occupations are not open to the likes of you average income peasants.

PEOPLE who think toil should be enjoyable suffer from higher levels of work-related anxiety, it has been confirmed.

NATO Secretary-General Mark Rutte and shy Reform UK donor George Cottrell have called other men ‘Daddy’ in professional settings, so should you?

THE boss of a company has informed staff of his intention to do an endurance challenge and received no follow-up questions from anyone.

CO-WORKER bigging up the thrill of watching last night’s match live in their local when you suspect they only saw the score when they woke up? Catch them out.

HE’S been sitting there all evening and you know, and he knows you know, it’s his round. Use these ways to gently point it out to the scrounging bastard.

I READ Keir Starmer is allowing pubs to open until 5am on Monday morning to show the England game. Am I extending my hours? Am I f**k.

NEW research has found making a train journey in Britain can be survived and even enjoyed if the passenger has drunk enough.

CHILDREN are disturbing heavy-drinking adults at their serious work of getting shitfaced, so should they be given pubs of their own?

IRELAND’S proud Celtic heritage and long, complex history is being celebrated by millions drinking ceremonial pints of beer.