EVERYBODY loves Reform, while everybody hates prominent Conservatives who lost their seats at the last election. But are there similarities between the two?

DEAR angry patriots. We regret that certain unhelpful government polices mean that your rage and loathing must be recalibrated toward a new sector of society.

A PLANNED rise in the minimum wage will leave those earning £100,000 or more wondering why they even bother.

THE government plans to limit jury trials to offences with a three-year minimum sentence. Have they snatched away your jury service dream?

LABOUR have imposed a mansion tax on houses worth more than £2 million. Not bothered? That’s because you probably don’t realise your house is worth that much.

YESTERDAY saw the government abandon the two-child benefit cap, but does that mean you should start indulging in frantic reproduction? Find out with this guide.

A WOMAN who told a joke at the expense of men has been instructed to imagine a bizarre fantasy world where instead women were the butt of cruel jibes.

THE 1990s were every bit as perfect as your nostalgia-clouded memories make them out to be, a research project has discovered.

IT is now obligatory, on visiting a Christmas market, to pronounce it ‘hell’, ‘hellish’ and that Beelzebub himself was operating the churro stall. Here are some key differences worth noting.

LIDL has launched a middle aisle advent calendar for men of a certain age who cannot wait to see if they get a glass engraving kit or inflatable coracle.

A MIDDLE-AGED man has admitted he is reduced to tears when there are threats to take his beloved golliwog away.

COSMETIC surgeons worldwide are fielding a massive influx of clients who want to be given the unique look of lifelong Wigan residents.

MIDDLE-class mums on cocaine one week, middle-class mums on Tramadol the next. I’m blasting skunk nightly. Where’s my f**king Daily Mail article?

SURELY she isn’t. But then there are odd little hints that your significant other is masturbating as frenziedly as a man would. These are the signs.

A MAN who has been told by his girlfriend it is over between them has idly wondered what it would be like to say those words rather than hear them.

A WOMAN trying to perform a controlled, sensual boob-jiggle for her boyfriend accidentally triggered less welcome jiggles elsewhere.

YOU believe the relationship ended with dignity and mutual respect. What she’s telling her new partner is a great deal funnier than that. Here’s what they’re laughing about.

A COUPLES therapist has admitted she definitely has a favourite and it is the wife.

A WOMAN has dropped a quick joke about common pornographic tropes into conversation to see how her boyfriend reacts.

CUFFING season is over. Did you manage to trap another human being into spending winter with you, or will you perish in a blizzard alone?

GRAND Theft Auto VI will not now be released until next November. How will you slake your degenerate urges until then?

WOMEN have confirmed every sexually explicit text message they send goes through comprehensive rounds of group evaluation.

YESTERDAY’S widespread internet outage has offered the world a fleeting vision of the paradise life could be if not deluged with endless online bollocks.

GREAT. Now I can specify my erotic needs – Scarlett Johansson, H-cups, PSCO outfit – and ChatGPT will spin up a bespoke scenario. And I’m meant to leave the house?

ANYONE with a job is likely to have witnessed managers gushing about AI then quietly ditching the idea. See where your employer is in the cycle of AI hype.

TIMOTHÉE Chalamet is too wonderful to be a mere actor so is rumoured to be Liverpudlian rapper EsDeeKid. But who else is secretly this boyish genius?

A NEW fully explicit Paddington live erotic cabaret in the West End has been acclaimed by critics.

THE tragedy of Welsh origins limits any possible success in music much as it does in any other field. These bands came from the wrong side of Offa’s Dyke.

STARS of the infamous Channel 4 documentary have had their say about the budget, but they also have plenty of cultural suggestions for the weekend. Here are their picks:

THE final season of Stranger Things is here, and long-time viewers may need some help catching up. Who better to help than Nathan Muir, who hasn’t seen it?

THESE foolish artists believed they were the main draw of the group until they tried to go it alone. Here are six stars who would come to regret dumping their bandmates.

YOU’RE glad Kelly Brook is back on telly, but you can’t help thinking that meeting her would be awkward given your sordid history of wanking over her in the 90s. Much like these celebs.

OLIVER Reed. Francis Bacon. Pete Doherty. And there is one last rebel keeping up the great British tradition of wild drunken hellraising. Me.

CELEBRITIES who've lost a lot of weight can freak you out, and surely the public should be consulted first? We have serious reservations about former fatties like these…

WICKED: For Good’s release means we can all share in Ariana Grande’s cloying life philosophies. Here the delicate songstress makes the mundane a positive, magical journey.

A FATHER explaining to his sons that he coupled school with 13 hours of twilight manual labour a week has realised in hindsight how bizarre that was.

ANYONE over 50 is perplexed by younger people’s delusions that work should be anything other than a thankless slog endured in order to buy things.

PUTTING up a bit of tinsel to bring festive cheer to your corporate gulag? Best consider these issues first lest you fall foul of overzealous human resources.

THE only employment available once the AI revolution makes humans redundant will be as an estate agent, experts have confirmed.

A UNIQUE man has found himself straddling the new divide which has riven Britain because he is both striver and skiver.

HOME from the pub but don’t want the party to end yet? Behold, five questionable mixers you can make without nipping back out to the corner shop.

ANYONE else sick of gym bros saying you need to give up booze to get shredded? I’ve made heavy drinking part of my workout and I’m fitter than a Navy SEAL. You can be too.

YOUNG people are either exceeding or falling short of the specific amount of acceptable alcohol consumption older generations dictate, they have admitted.

WAYNE Rooney has admitted drinking throughout his Manchester United career, explaining a great deal. Perhaps these other luminaries were smashed the whole time.