I CAN’T find Mary Berry anywhere. Her recipes, I mean. That book has been my Bible – albeit stained with jam which you wouldn’t do with the actual word of God – for years.
A WOMAN has seen a a bag of canine excrement hanging in a hedge and instantly flashed back to her last relationship, she has confirmed.
THE country is locked in fevered debate between those warning Iran could launch missiles at the UK and those who have replied ‘Nah.’ Where do you stand?
A FATHER is furious at his local council about potholes in roads and is apoplectic at the roadworks needed to fix them.
“And check out my new two-hop craft beer, Dua Lipa’s Dual IPA.”
BEEN honoured with the chance to organise a hen weekend nobody wants to attend and to wear a hideous dress? Get uninvited, fast.
INTEREST rates are going through the roof due to war in Iran, which is great news for Brits with huge surplus sums. How will you cash in?
AFTER Gerry Adams protested in court that he was never a member of the IRA, retired members of the group are kicking themselves for failing to recruit him.
Politics
KEIR Starmer purred down the phone to President Trump that he is willing to do anything, ‘and I do mean anything’ to get the special relationship back in track.
THE UK has been humiliated on the world stage for not having the same mighty Royal Navy it had a century ago. What are you doing to help out?
THE chancellor delivered a budget update yesterday, and only actual war stopped this being the most apocalyptic event the world has ever known. Why must she resign?
DONALD Trump has been commended for recognising that Keir Starmer is not Winston Churchill because his modern counterpart is Lib Dem leader Ed Davey.
Society
AN invitation has arrived, and of course you have no intention of going. But how best to do so without offending the host who unreasonably expects your presence? Try these.
BANKNOTES will soon feature British wildlife after the public were consulted on the idea. But is it wise to ask a nation full of idiots who’d be happy with shit like this on their money?
EVERY arsehole you have the misfortune to speak to now aggressively calls you ‘buddy’, Britain has confirmed.
LONDON is the most dangerous place in the country according to your mother who last visited in 1981 for the Royal Wedding. This is what she thinks happens there.
WAR with Iran is disrupting fuel supplies worldwide, with the RAC urging Britons to drive less. Unfortunately impossible when you have to make critical journeys like these.
A RESIDENT of an irrelevant hamlet was apoplectic you were so ignorant as to mispronounce its name while seizing the opportunity to correct you.
Lifestyle
CONTINENTAL Europe is better at everything than you stodgy Brits because they’re just so sophisticated. Here’s what they outshine you at, country by country.
ONE was good enough for Jesus, Elvis and Buddha, but the greedy not only insist they have two first names but demand to be called by them. What can we learn from these freaks?
THE Cheltenham Festival has concluded, and with it your chance to staple a falcon’s wing to your forehead and call it a hat. What titfer did you look a tit in this year?
ARE you a terrible, inconsiderate son who doesn’t know what to get his mum for Mother’s Day? Try these safe gifts.
MORE and more places are welcoming dogs these days, but society still has a long way to go. Here are just six of the places I should obviously be allowed to take my gorgeous little fur baby.
DO you sometimes have to ensure your elderly parents attend a family event, keep a doctor’s appointment or simply come to visit? Here is the painful process step-by-step.
Relationships
THE long-held suspicion that it is impossible for women and women to have genuine friendships has been proved by researchers.
IF only she had looked up from her phone, you would be engaged and choosing names for your first four children. This is how your Central line love slipped away.
A MAN is completely fine with his girlfriend sharing graphic details of her many previous sexual exploits, he has claimed.
THERE she is, waiting for her coffee order as if she’s done nothing wrong knowing full well your boyfriend would be all over her if he were here, which he isn’t. Here’s how to cope.
A COUPLE meeting up for the third time have already exhausted all the entertaining anecdotes they have to share.
THAT night of slippery anal the two of you haven't discussed since? Shared over brunch, complete with hand gestures. Here's how to acknowledge that.
Science & Technology
IT would just be like so wrong to deprive teenagers like me of my socials because I have grew up with it and there is all what you learn from it, right?
BELIEVE the only reason you’re not winning women over with your dick pics is the lack of artistry? Follow these tips to become the David Bailey of the penis portrait.
A GLOBAL shortage of memory chips driven by AI demand means many items will no longer be so freely available. Our tech expert explains why that’s fine.
HUMANITY has always known that, once a sentient AI was created, it would take over the world. But it never knew why, and nor did I until this stripping ban.
THE UK is to ban social media for anyone under 16 and anyone over 18, leaving a two-year window to make an absolute twat of yourself online.
Arts & Entertainment
HAD a hit? Enjoying the money and blowjobs, but feel it does not adequately reflect who you are as artists? Then record your next album in your own colon, like these.
AN injustice has been done. And if any of you bastards here replacing tyres dares suggest Train Dreams’s sublime meditation on civilisation rightly lost, I will f**k you up.
THE two lost Doctor Who episodes now recovered include a scene where the protagonist gives a Dalek hand relief, the BBC has confirmed.
INSPIRATIONALLY, I spent last night watching man-on-man romance and writing breathless fan fiction about it. Because I am a woman and my sexuality is radical.
NOT content with shots fired at opera and ballet, actor Timothée Chalamet has decided a number of other art forms are shite and for wankers, including these...
THERE are times when a man needs to take the stage wearing nothing but his Fender Stratocaster to really lap up those cheers. These performers did it bollock-naked.
Celebrity
NAMING your child after a once-popular TV show or celebrity was always stupid, and now the poor victim is old enough to hate you for it. These were a mistake.
NETFLIX have ended their partnership with Meghan Markle after her show failed to be a compelling glimpse of her life or even her jam. These are the leaked emails.
PETE Tong, once the Pied Piper of the rave generation, is now 65 and still doing it. And DJ isn’t the only job it’s tricky to be old and wizened in, as these celebs have learned.
MPS and establishment figures are jockeying to say what an awful person Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor is now it is safe to do so. Here are a few of them.
THE arrest of Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor means it is open season on any and all Royals. Who are you hoping to see convicted?
Work
ATTENDING an online seminar is a fantastic opportunity to get stuff done while some arsehole is droning on about bullshit, research has found.
A MAN who accidentally ticked a box saying he was gay on his equalities form now feels compelled to go along with it, to be an ally.
AN army of retired old bastards with nothing better to do but sit at home resenting your working at home wants legislation to stop you.
NIGEL Farage has appealed to morons this week by calling for an end to working from home. Here’s why it isn’t as bad as he fears.
ARE you unsure if your colleagues are genuinely sad to see you go? If you received any of these leaving presents, the answer is ‘no’.
Alcohol
A MAN is never more than 480 minutes from being able to neck pints of delicious, refreshing beer, it has emerged.
BRITAIN’S pubs are on the brink of collapse. You must do your bit to save them by drinking heavily during the day, and more.
BURNS Night is this Sunday, and if you’re thinking that provides a solid excuse to get smashed in January you’re half Scottish already. This is how to do it.
