HELLO fellow jobseekers. Liam Rosenior here. Philosopher, visionary, 144 appearances as right-back for Hull.
MASTURBATORY opportunities can present themselves at the strangest of times. Who would have thought these classic movies would contain dubious wanking material?
THE classic ice lollies of the 70s and 80s are more than just nostalgia. They symbolise a better time which only Reform can bring back, explains councillor Norman Steele.
THANKS to the King’s visit, relations between the US and the UK have been restored for - no, scratch that, they are in the shitter again.
A MAN has explained to colleagues who claim to be suffering with hay fever that pollen is all in the mind.
THE King and I aren’t just in absolute agreement that Iran shouldn’t have nuclear weapons and my war is great. We’re also as one on these issues.
WOMEN with big boobs have confirmed they cannot go out of fashion because they were never in it, but remain enduringly popular nonetheless.
SANDWICH inflation has hit the capital, with independent shops and affluent customers each listing extremely valid mitigating factors as to why that’s okay.
Politics
THE media has stated that Keir Starmer’s time as prime minister is over, but without explaining exactly why or how that is to happen.
MANAGED to piss off your employees, your opponents and your own party? No problem. Bore them into submission like I do.
THURSDAY’S edition of political panel show Question Time will be broadcast from Angryborough in the county of South Bigotshire.
THE prime minister has informed parliament he cannot answer questions as he is orbiting Earth on the International Space Station for the next 18 months.
THE public has agreed that the thing Keir Starmer had to resign for in February, but did not and which was soon forgotten, must be resigned for again.
Society
A LONDONER’S journey to work resembles Odysseus’s journey home from Troy according to her self-serving bullshit account of the saga.
SHEFFIELD University has carried out a study of regional insults, most of which are stupid and make you sound like a halfwit yokel. Here is a sample in order of increasing shitness.
A MAN hosting a pub quiz has, without warning, written questions only about Gillian Anderson.
FORGET Big Ben and Buckingham Palace. If you want to show tourists what Britain is really like, take them to these places.
TRUMP'S war with Iran is jeopardising supplies of the planet-destroying fuel we all love. So how are you marking the end of plentiful oil?
Lifestyle
A MAN wants to be in the prime of his youth in an era he has intense nostalgia for as he gets older, he has revealed.
OFF to the park to enjoy the weather, only to discover people have claimed all the space because they’re more important than you? Here are their devious methods.
THE government wants the whole of Britain to enjoy a summer of sex because an MP is bringing dildos to Parliament. They will under-deliver on this erotic promise.
BIRDS are waking up singing merrily every morning because the season of them crapping all over the clean clothes you have hung out is here once more.
INSTEAD of being dragged from slumber with a grudge against the world, does your partner leap peppily and unbearably from the bed? Here’s how to handle it.
A NEW vicar attempting to reach out to parishioners below the age of 60 is universally despised for trying to be cool and approachable.
Relationships
UNQUALIFIED FBI head Kash Patel is facing allegations of alcoholism and incompetence caused by his girlfriend being objectively more attractive than he is. Here’s how he clings on.
SHE liked diamonds and Picasso paintings. He slept under bridges and sketched caricatures for cash. It was a holiday romance with an unfortunate iceberg, and these wouldn’t last either.
IF she’s a serious actress in highbrow movies? Then your wife sanctions and allows your crush because it shows your discerning taste in women. All these are permitted.
JD Vance recently said he had forbidden his wife from going skydiving in a strange comparison to Iran. Here he explains the benefits of controlling tendencies - for her and you.
A WOMAN who has split up with her hopeless loser of a boyfriend is searching for a new man who is functionally identical, she has confirmed.
SHE is so lovely, and she has captured your soul. But as you’ve never exchanged a single word, how to tell her? Would staring like a pervert do it? Let’s hope so.
Science & Technology
A FATHER of refined tastes watches only the cream of awful AI videos spewed out by social media, it has emerged.
GOT a critical life choice to make? Why not allow a frequently hallucinating AI chatbot to make the right call? Here’s what ChatGPT and others should be advising you on.
A NEW dating app focuses on the only two questions users actually care about: ‘How fat is she?’ and ‘How much does he earn?’
Arts & Entertainment
CRITICS say Radio 2 is stuck in a rut, and that’s where we intend to stay. When I take over the breakfast slot, here's how I'll be keeping it bland the 'Foxy Coxy' way.
CRITICS have slammed the biopic Michael for omitting the sexual abuse he was accused of. So what other changes might be made to music films to avoid upsetting audiences?
OUTSIDERS could never understand how it feels to be in the warm embrace of a thoroughly toxic fandom. For example, myself and the Bargain Hunters.
THE new Michael Jackson film is the first instalment of an interconnected cinematic universe of celebrity sex offenders, its producers have announced.
THE new series of Euphoria features Sydney Sweeney making kinky OnlyFans content, but is it worth watching just for that? No, as these taught us...
COLDPLAY are celebrating the career milestone ‘we have always dreamed of’ after being admitted to the Indie Bedwetters Hall of Fame.
Celebrity
DID you see Madonna onstage with Sabrina Carpenter at Coachella and eruditely muse that while one is young, the other is old? Decide which you should fancy with this guide.
CALL that an Australia tour? Pathetic and desperate. Kate and I would do a far superior tour if we could be bothered to get off our arses.
YOU never forget your first love, especially if she’s on TV singing Eternal Flame because she's the lead singer of The Bangles. Here are more old crushes you'd get a divorce for.
DESPITE decades of documentaries, costumes and gay lovers, here are the people your dad is convinced were just a bit flamboyant.
RETIRING BBC presenter Carol Kirkwood has announced that after 28 years of weather, she and it are no longer involved in any way.
Work
A MAN has forgotten how to be an underperforming drone after the four-day Easter weekend, it has emerged.
ATTENDING an online seminar is a fantastic opportunity to get stuff done while some arsehole is droning on about bullshit, research has found.
A MAN who accidentally ticked a box saying he was gay on his equalities form now feels compelled to go along with it, to be an ally.
AN army of retired old bastards with nothing better to do but sit at home resenting your working at home wants legislation to stop you.
NIGEL Farage has appealed to morons this week by calling for an end to working from home. Here’s why it isn’t as bad as he fears.
Alcohol
NEW research has found making a train journey in Britain can be survived and even enjoyed if the passenger has drunk enough.
CHILDREN are disturbing heavy-drinking adults at their serious work of getting shitfaced, so should they be given pubs of their own?
IRELAND’S proud Celtic heritage and long, complex history is being celebrated by millions drinking ceremonial pints of beer.
A MAN is never more than 480 minutes from being able to neck pints of delicious, refreshing beer, it has emerged.
