CHRISTMAS is a time celebrated with Anglo-Germanic traditions and delight at gifts, but according to one of the founders of our feast, it was not always thus.
A WOMAN is indulging in an extra-marital affair on the grounds that it is the festive season and she has had a hard year.
OUR national institutions have fallen one by one, and this weekend we lost the last. No Bond, no Who, no-one in Downing Street and no Strictly presenters. It’s over.
OUR Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ has told friends he is not really feeling his birthday this year and is probably just going to stay in.
On the same day as Live Aid a much smaller event called Fife Aid took place. And despite having Big Country and Jethro Tull’s Ian Anderson on the bill, it was not as successful.
LONDONERS have confirmed the bloody lights and Christmas markets are bad enough, but the soot-covered chimney sweeps performing upbeat musical numbers are worse.
CHRISTMAS is but days away, and around the country families are getting together to do dizzyingly weird shit they think is normal. What’s your bizarre tradition?
THIS year’s must-have toy for children whose parents are sick of their whining is an unremarkable King Edward potato.
Politics
RIGHT-WINGERS are calling for a merger between the Conservatives and Reform. But what could be the name of such an unholy union?
THE BBC has searched its archives but cannot find any trace of an offensive 1970s sitcom about how much better life would be if Hitler had won the war.
EVERYBODY loves Reform, while everybody hates prominent Conservatives who lost their seats at the last election. But are there similarities between the two?
DEAR angry patriots. We regret that certain unhelpful government polices mean that your rage and loathing must be recalibrated toward a new sector of society.
Society
A PET dog has admitted the annual period where he is forced to wear antlers to be a miniature canine reindeer haunts him for the rest of the year.
TO begin with, I should have been Joseph. But my father’s endowment is apparently less deserving than Barnaby Haversham-Finch’s grandfather donating the full cost of the new stables.
COUNCIL enforcement officers have fined a man £250 for ‘openly and wantonly’ shedding skin cells in a lay-by.
A WOMAN is confident that every failure or shortcoming in her existence is ultimately the fault of men.
THE government plans to limit jury trials to offences with a three-year minimum sentence. Have they snatched away your jury service dream?
Lifestyle
AN intense eight-year-old has spent an entire weekend herding sheep in preparation for his role in today’s nativity play.
A MAN thoughtfully chosen as a stand-in parent is confident it is all a totally meaningless gesture.
A MAN who organises his life with military precision has a laminated printout of favourite masturbation fantasies working on a 21-day rotating schedule.
A WOMAN has admitted she adores everything about the natural world once sanitised on screen.
IT is now obligatory, on visiting a Christmas market, to pronounce it ‘hell’, ‘hellish’ and that Beelzebub himself was operating the churro stall. Here are some key differences worth noting.
LIDL has launched a middle aisle advent calendar for men of a certain age who cannot wait to see if they get a glass engraving kit or inflatable coracle.
Relationships
A MAN’S erotic texts have improved a hundredfold now he runs his sentiments through an large language model AI, his girlfriend has confirmed.
A MAN has managed to secure a girlfriend at least four levels hotter than he is by wooing a foreign woman unable to recognise his knobhead qualities.
UNRAVELLING your over-insulated partner for sexual frolics can be a race against losing interest. Here’s how to get there with the mood intact.
READY to have your heart warmed? This couple didn’t meet on the apps, but by the old-fashioned tried-and-true method of being unfaithful to.
Monday. Received text from Becky asking if I’d like to meet for drinks on Thursday, as discussed. Shagged her Saturday so not sure this is required. Requires serious thought.
Science & Technology
AUSTRALIAN teens are the first demographic to be banned from social media, but they shouldn’t be the last. These six have no right to intrude on your evening doomscroll.
A RETIRED 80-year-old with no social media presence is understandably afraid his likeness will be stolen to generate pornographic deepfakes on the dark web.
GRAND Theft Auto VI will not now be released until next November. How will you slake your degenerate urges until then?
WOMEN have confirmed every sexually explicit text message they send goes through comprehensive rounds of group evaluation.
YESTERDAY’S widespread internet outage has offered the world a fleeting vision of the paradise life could be if not deluged with endless online bollocks.
Arts & Entertainment
XMAS by Kylie looks set to be the Christmas number one, but many tracks which achieved the same feat never get featured on Christmas playlists. Specifically these.
YOU quite liked it. Then it was in an advert, and 200+ involuntary listens curdled that into hate. These are the songs you can no longer hear without your mind adding the relevant slogan.
NETFLIX is inviting viewers to imagine their favourite Warner Bros properties turned into prestige TV shows with moody lighting and no plot development.
OLD man? Look again, because according to my Spotify Wrapped, I am a svelte and fresh-faced 19. Here’s how you can get a musical age in the tantalising teens.
SUCCESS is often guaranteed for privileged people. But sadly for listeners these poshos chose music instead of the more traditional career path of high finance.
TIMOTHÉE Chalamet is too wonderful to be a mere actor so is rumoured to be Liverpudlian rapper EsDeeKid. But who else is secretly this boyish genius?
Celebrity
KATE Winslet has followed appearing in a film with her daughter by starring in a film written by her son. She, and these celebrities, should realise talent isn’t genetic.
NIGEL Farage should be glad of my support. I’m practically a household name, I have a strong work ethic, and I'm not out of touch with young people, many of whom I have f**ked.
I'VE decided to leave the lawless criminal dystopia that is Britain in 2025 and move to Dubai, a location I chose solely on the basis of international crime statistics.
THE Queen has caught the UK unawares with her full-throated support of posh people with horses and houses all joyously committing adultery.
THE win of Angry Ginge on I’m A Celebrity raises a disturbing question. Are Gen Z no longer committing to long-held prejudice about the gingers?
Work
ARE you the one grafting all the way through the festive period? Want everyone to know it? These lines will leave nobody in any doubt as to how vitally important you are.
AGREED to the office Secret Santa and were handed an entirely unfamiliar name? And now you’ve got to buy them a present? Consider these cursory gifts.
A FATHER explaining to his sons that he coupled school with 13 hours of twilight manual labour a week has realised in hindsight how bizarre that was.
ANYONE over 50 is perplexed by younger people’s delusions that work should be anything other than a thankless slog endured in order to buy things.
PUTTING up a bit of tinsel to bring festive cheer to your corporate gulag? Best consider these issues first lest you fall foul of overzealous human resources.
THE only employment available once the AI revolution makes humans redundant will be as an estate agent, experts have confirmed.
Alcohol
AN OFFICE manager has been invited to buy his round at this week’s office Christmas party and then leave so everybody can hate him.
CHRISTMAS is coming, yet unaccountably all our Christmas songs fail to mention the unstinting alcohol abuse which is the hallmark of the season. That can be fixed.
HOME from the pub but don’t want the party to end yet? Behold, five questionable mixers you can make without nipping back out to the corner shop.
ANYONE else sick of gym bros saying you need to give up booze to get shredded? I’ve made heavy drinking part of my workout and I’m fitter than a Navy SEAL. You can be too.
