THE chancellor yesterday outlined a government spending spree of either £113bn, £300bn, or £4 trillion, depending on the strength of your loathing for her. Which are you?

THE government has pledged £14.2bn of its own money to build a new nuclear power plant. What happened to just getting Aldi or whoever to build them?

SICKENING Labour policies hurting ordinary pensioners are bad enough, but U-turning on them? That’s unforgivable. Keep your ire at the appropriate levels with this guide.

ELON Musk has belatedly discovered every friendship with Trump goes the same way: he profits, you lose. These are the stages:

REFORM chairman Zia Yusuf has been asked what on earth he thought Reform represented after resigning over a proposed burqa ban.

THE UK’s least desirable towns and regions have a wealth of affordable housing just waiting for homeowners with low standards.

LONDON mayor Sadiq Khan has been knighted, prompting outrage from gammons. Since they’re utterly obsessed with him, here’s what to sadistically tell them…

WORLD fertility rates are declining across developed countries, and the universal availability of free internet pornography is to blame. Among other reasons.

GETTING married? The list of twats you do not want to invite but must grows longer by the day. You will be paying £135 per head for these wankers.

GOING on holiday? Cunningly preparing your house so burglars will believe it’s occupied and go home with swag bags empty? They’ll never expect this.

A WOMAN has vowed to be a good ally by being bisexual for the entirety of Pride month.

IT’S that time of year when Britons go on a cheap package holiday, have a miserable time and moan about it to the Sun. Here’s what foreigners are forcing them to complain about.

A WOMAN who enjoys stationery as an abstract, decorative concept has been disgusted to see it being used for its assigned purpose.

BOOING our own player? Who’s just won the league? Of course we did. And anyone who criticises that doesn’t understand he’s made all Liverpool fans look right dicks.

A 63-YEAR-OLD man has explained to his grandchildren that once, Liverpool were just as successful and twatty about it as Manchester City are today.

COMPETITORS in the London Marathon are running into an actual, physical wall and attempting to grittily push through it.

FOOTBALL fans from chic, sophisticated Paris are currently in Birmingham due to a foul quirk of the Champions League.

ELON Musk has turned to his AI chatbot for advice on how to reverse his fortunes, it has emerged.

SEVEN-and-a-half million Britons will be trained in AI by 2030. Your workplace AI course leads you to question the value of this, because here’s what you learned.

GROWING up pre-internet provided a wealth of opportunities to aggravate your family and community that technology has snatched away.

WE have all seen him, admired him and wondered what it takes to become him: the tit buzzing his budget drone around a public park. Follow these rules.

NIGEL Farage has announced that Reform UK is now accepting bitcoin in an attempt to grab the youth weed dealer vote. How much will you be donating?

A MILLENNIAL man has proved he is not hopelessly addicted to his phone by focusing his attention on a completely different screen for a whole 30 minutes.

CLUTCHING your pearls at Sabrina Carpenter’s new album cover? Grow up and look at some proper smut with these alternatives.

AN acclaimed new album by Pulp focuses on the age-appropriate subject of erectile dysfunction for nine of its 11 tracks.

LADY Gaga and Pulp are both rumoured to be performing surprise Glastonbury sets. But the anguish of the audience if these artists strode onstage instead would be a joy.

WAS the last proper book you ever read one you were forced to by teachers when you were 16? These GSCE texts killed your love of literature for life.

LOVE Island is back, and this summer’s contestants are the most homogenous yet. Here they are in ascending order of tiny slivers of individuality.

BEAUTIFUL blonde Billie Piper has immediately become a dad’s most beloved incarnation of the Doctor, he has confirmed.

A TEENAGER bragging that he is basically being paid to check out some cool bands is about to enter his own personal hell.

A TEACHER recognised by his pupils as ‘cool’ is actually a 28-year-old man desperate to be popular with children, it has emerged.

A MAN has brightened after realising that, despite his having masturbated already today, a second go is a distinct possibility.

EVEN the stupid need jobs, and they’re prepared to overlook the long-term consequences entirely if offered enough. Hence these employment opportunities:

BRITONS are thinking about what they would be doing in the sun if they were not basically historical slaves but with computers.

LINKEDIN has confirmed those searching your name on the professional networking site are not doing so to see your recent work activities but for rampant, gleeful self-abuse.

JEREMY Clarkson’s new ‘100 per cent British’ pub has dared play American music, but the British love of the pub has always been based on myths.

A MAN who does not have a single coherent memory of a music festival he spent the weekend at firmly believes he had the time of his life.

KEIR Starmer is allowing pubs to stay open two hours later tonight to celebrate VE Day. Here’s how to show your respect for those who experienced the war by drinking more.

A MAN has looked at the power cut across Spain, considered his options, and decided that in similar circumstances in the UK he would get pissed.

MOCKED as the alcoholic beverages of choice for builders and bus-stop pissheads, these drinks are ripe for gentrification in Shoreditch pop-up bars.