THE radiant sunshine beating down on the country has revealed that everyone has been wallowing in their own filth for the last few months.
BOOKMAKERS have given Olly Alexander a one per cent chance of winning the Eurovision Song Contest. Is it time the UK left it?
WELL-ADJUSTED adults who enjoy quality programming are mourning the return of Doctor Who to the nation’s screens.
A FAN of true crime podcasts has yet to decide on what is definitively the best way for her to dispose of human remains.
JOEY Barton is in trouble again for calling broadcaster Jeremy Vine a ‘big bike nonce’. But surely he deserves praise for highlighting threats we were completely unaware of? Like these.
WAGWAN? Earlier in da week Active J ‘ad him’s history hexam, an’ man ‘ad to write about da heuropean convection of da ooman rights. Man woz turbo-vexed.
AN ‘involuntary celibate’ is wondering if women would find him attractive if he was even more of a morose loser.
Politics
THE prime minister plans to recover from today’s election results by launching a new pandemic and furloughing everyone.
ARE you a Conservative MP worried about job security? Learn how to stand out from millions of other jobseekers desperate for work with this guide.
THE electorate has reassured the Conservatives they would find a change of leader both desperate and hilarious.
THE public has been informed that if they stand still and the wind is blowing in the right direction, they will actually be able to hear the Conservative party imploding.
LOCAL Conservative councillors have done nothing wrong, so will you vengefully punish them for the sins of the national party in local elections tomorrow?
LONDON mayoral candidate Susan Hall has been criticised for a campaign based on unhinged attacks on Sadiq Khan and appearing to hate the capital. Here she shares a last rant before losing.
Society
MIDDLE-AGED women seeing 20-something girls dressed in cargo pants, faux fur gilets and bandanas have confirmed that they are delighted by how ugly modern fashions are.
A WHITE man is so committed to saying sorry for all the crimes of his kind that he effectively is not a white man, he believes.
DO you love Taylor Swift so much you send death threats to people who give her new album a vaguely unfavourable review? You are mad. Like these other obsessives.
PEOPLE suddenly finding the ‘love of their life’ when they are 35, exhausted and realise they cannot afford to buy a house may not just be a big coincidence, experts have confirmed.
Lifestyle
KEEP hearing people talking about their ‘Shein hauls’ and don’t know what the hell they’re on about? You’re probably confused and suspicious about these other brands too.
CERTAIN things are the height of cool when you’re in your teens and 20s. But once you hit 30, they quickly become deeply, deeply tragic. Including these.
A MAN who is only able to grow a few wisps of hair from the bottom of his face is not letting it stop him labelling himself as ‘bearded’, it has emerged.
A WOMAN working in an independent record shop is feeling pressured to be extremely attractive in a quirky and unconventional way, she has confirmed.
DOES the minutiae of people’s personal lives somehow fail to grip you? It might be because you’re a man. Here Martin Bishop explains how to be useless at spreading tittle-tattle.
Sport
GARETH Southgate, the most successful England manager since Alf Ramsey, is a miserable failure who lost his country two Euros and a World Cup. Time for him to go?
MANCHESTER United’s reputation among those with zero interest in sport is still that of a world-class team, it has emerged.
A TINY baby in a Liverpool top who has barely supported them during the week since his birth has been accused of chasing clout and trophies.
FOOTBALL is considering the introduction of blue cards but has yet to decide how they should work; the FA just really likes the colour. How would you use them?
Science & Technology
SMARTPHONE apps were meant to make life easier but instead add to the general anxiety of it by harassing you constantly. Like these ones.
WHATSAPP loves shit-stirring by telling you a friend has deleted a message. Here’s a reasonable guess at what they said.
BUCKINGHAM Palace has admitted that no such person as ‘Kate Middleton’ ever existed outside of digital imaging software.
SIGNING off an email is a minefield in which you’re always just one word away from metaphorically losing a foot. Here are some of the twattiest sign-offs to avoid.
A HEART-WARMING montage of recent images created by a father’s phone consists almost entirely of pictures of meter readings and Wi-Fi router codes.
Arts & Entertainment
FLEETWOOD Mac’s Rumours has been named the best-selling album of all time, so well done them. But many other LPs have sold tens of millions despite being f**king terrible. Like these:
KENDRICK Lamar has comprehensively dissed Drake on a new track. If you’re confused by this and other rap beefs, who better to explain than Good Morning Britain’s Richard Madeley?
THE people of Britain agree that museums would be vastly improved by swapping out their gift shops with little pubs.
A MAN raving about the upsides of DVDs has been swiftly undone by the many headaches of actually trying to watch one, it has emerged.
DYING is the ultimate music marketing tool, sending sales soaring at the negligible cost of a single life. These artists made out like posthumous bandits.
Business
A MAN decades younger than you who has already achieved more than you ever will can go and f**k himself, older generations have agreed.
THE Post Office has announced that counterfeit stamps, heavy rain and the Arctic Monkeys’ recent loungecore albums are all postmasters’ fault.
Work
A JUDGE has ruled that saying ‘back in your day’ to an older colleague could be considered age harassment. Here are some phrases young people had better not say to you, then.
TO stand out in the job market, why not impress on employers that you’re a first-class prick with your job title alone? Any of these should do it.
OFFICE jobs look complicated from the outside, but all they really involve is sending these five emails again and again and again forever.
WALKING to the office printer to make some copies is as fun and relaxing as a fortnight in the Lake District, it has been confirmed.
WORKPLACE safety assessments are finding that the main occupational hazard facing Britons is being around twats all day.
AN emergency plumber with an exorbitant call out fee and a string of desperate clients is feeling more powerful than Zeus, he has confirmed.
Alcohol
ENGLAND has the highest rate of child alcohol consumption of all countries surveyed by the World Health Organisation, but are your children doing their part?
DRINKING sessions are a great way to connect with friends when your inhibitions are down. And also ruin your life by sharing these overly personal admissions.
INCOME, age, race and class have proved no obstacle to any British citizen’s inalienable right to drink alcohol whenever they want to.
A GROUP of lads out for an all-day session have lapsed into silence after exhausting their stock of ironic football-based banter.
A GROUP of friends meeting for pre-drinks before a night out have found themselves slipping painlessly into serious drinking.
A MAN who had spent all week complaining about a night out he was forced to go on with close friends is deeply annoyed at himself for enjoying it.