'Did you see me playing The Smiths in Ukraine? I bet girls did'
They were expecting a dull politician when I hit them with Rusholme Ruffians. Now that’s Manchesterism. You could tell they were into it.
WAKING up with a hangover so excruciating I crave a head transplant, I pop an Alker-Seltzer and pray to any god who'll listen for relief.
DRINKERS under 40 are not managing to keep pace with their elders, leading to awkward round-buying and life-expectancy disparities.
CUDDLING all night without it turning sexual was a blissful way to spend time together, a man who frantically masturbated at 3am has told a new girlfriend.
STRUGGLING to grieve for Tim Curry because you spent your teenage years way too into The Rocky Horror Show and don’t want to be reminded of it? You did all these.
AS a rugged action hero, I f**king hate it when one of the lads hoofs the ball over a fence. Here’s how I retrieve what’s rightfully mine while minimising the death count.
THE UK’s leading financial expert Martin Lewis has recommended spending cash on escorts and good times because life is ultimately a finite resource.
FINALLY tempted someone off the apps to a real-life date, then spotted a genuine stunner across the bar? Use these tips to keep the one you have until you trade up.
DOLLY Parton was a lovely person but her music was, well, country. Nonetheless you hate to miss out, so join in the ongoing public mourning by claiming to love these songs.
Politics
DESPITE the UK’s natural unwillingness to help the unfortunate, Burnham’s plan to end rough sleeping has won support because they are rather scruffy.
WHY the hysteria? Climate change can’t be fought. Instead, follow these simple rules and you’ll find yourself savouring the wildfires in your neighbourhood.
I TRIUMPHED in the Clacton by-election, therefore Count Binface must face the Parliamentary Standards Committee. Because that is democracy in action.
A RESIDENT of Clacton-on-Sea feels the by-election sparked by its grifting, usually absent MP is making the depressing, anachronistic resort look bad.
Society
Waking up with a hangover that's left my anus barking like a dog, I imbibe more water than a data centre to take the edge off.
A TEENAGER has convinced his parents that a grade 1 is the equivalent to an A* in the updated GCSE marking scheme.
A secondary school teacher could not care less what some kid they taught 20 years ago is up to these days.
A NEW survey has ranked all England’s towns by friendliness. But is it accurate? We visit the five towns lowest on the list to get told to go f**k ourselves.
THE next emergency alert sent to all residents of the UK without warning will warn against sending a text to your ex.
A 34-YEAR-OLD woman’s greatest fear is not only being targeted by a serial killer but also being his least alluring victim.
Lifestyle
THE estate of manhood comes with a single inoffensive M&S suit, to be worn at each and every formal social event. Including these.
ARE this couple trying to be your holiday hombres for the next fortnight, or are they pushing for a four-way in their five-star suite? Check these clues.
PARENTS demand presents but want nothing. Your attempt to treat them to something different will be resented and reviled.
IS your holiday is a gruelling test of your love for your partner? Here are some behaviours you wish they’d saved for when you’re not in their company 24/7 after spending a fortune.
ONLY attractive people with toned, fit bodies are truly enjoying the summer.
DESPITE their popularity, tattoos are still not fully accepted by those who do not cover their skin with childish drawings. Could it be for these obvious reasons?
Relationships
A NEWLYWED woman throwing her bouquet is very obviously trying to ensure it lands in the hands of a particular unwed friend.
A man who emerged from the bathroom ready for intercourse is pretending he did not wash his horrible knob in his girlfriend's lovely sink.
A WOMAN is concerned that her one-night liaison with a personable stranger is moving a little too fast for both of them.
LIKE a beloved family pet being put down, before parting with one’s girlfriend she must be given one last wonderful day. Follow this schedule.
I HAVE recently discovered that the passage of time has been unfairly applied to me.
THE relationship is deceased even if the bedroom lurches on like a drooling zombie hungry for flesh. If you’re doing these end it, or at least cheat.
Science & Technology
ALRIGHT, you’re not that fascinating, but your company is less predictable than the 10,000th hour of Tank Wars. Get that phone down with these techniques.
A CRAP desk fan from Argos is questioning whether it has the fortitude to keep its owner cool through a fifth heatwave.
I AM proud to announce we have successfully landed a SpaceX rocket on the – what? That’s not Mars? You have to be f**king shitting me.
FIRST a version of ChatGPT hacked other systems, now it’s Anthropic’s Claude AI doing it. Are you understandably scared of an AI hacking you?
AS I explained in a somewhat tetchy interview with The Economist, an incredible tech-topia awaits humanity thanks to me. Here's what it will be like when I actually do it.
Arts & Entertainment
ACTING isn't the preserve of the good-looking, the talented, or even their nepo babies. Ordinary people like you perform, and these six turns in particular deserve an Oscar.
THE unimaginative walk among us, still trotting out quotes from TV shows that ceased broadcast decades ago. These six scream ‘Jesus Christ, watch something else’.
A MAN in his mid-40s has been hospitalised after mistakenly listening to a song released in 2025.
THEATRE is about speaking the truth, however raw or unpalatable it may be. And I believe I have done that with my Fringe show No Daddy, I’m Not Going to the Gymkhana.
FAME undoubtedly has its downsides, but there are always jobs at Greggs. Spare a thought for these unhappily successful musicians.
Celebrity
THE Duke and Duchess of Sussex are moving to Britain, and we’ve all got our own legally inadmissible opinions as to why. What’s yours?
THE Duchess of Sussex has announced she has been offered a major role in the soap opera EastEnders.
THE Duke of Sussex is going to try and waltz back into the Royal family by pretending the last six years did not happen.
PRINCE Harry has informed Britain that only bathing in its utter loathing for them keeps him and his wife young.
Work
MONEY is vulgar. We know you’re applying for this position because you believe you can maximise value for our shareholders. That’s why we prefer not to bring it up.
A MANAGER has reserved 30 minutes of a meeting to give his team a thorough briefing on his recent fortnight of seven-star luxury in the Dutch Antilles.
AN office worker is living in fear of a colleague who believes he is a real friend and not merely a work friend.
FANCY being able to call yourself something impressive like ‘tycoon’? Sadly these occupations are not open to the likes of you average income peasants.
PEOPLE who think toil should be enjoyable suffer from higher levels of work-related anxiety, it has been confirmed.
Alcohol
MOST of England will be covered by amber heat health alerts for the next three days. How does that translate to lager consumption? Dr Helen Archer explains.
THERE’S a row over whether standing in pubs, or ‘vertical drinking’, should be banned. But there are plenty of other irritations to ban first, like these.
HE’S been sitting there all evening and you know, and he knows you know, it’s his round. Use these ways to gently point it out to the scrounging bastard.
I READ Keir Starmer is allowing pubs to open until 5am on Monday morning to show the England game. Am I extending my hours? Am I f**k.
NEW research has found making a train journey in Britain can be survived and even enjoyed if the passenger has drunk enough.
