THE UK’s media has announced it will not stop searching until it has found a critical mass of between three and 15 Brexiters angry at plans to reverse it.

BRITAIN has texted the EU at 3am to see if it is still awake for some casual, no-strings-attached fun, it has emerged.

YOUR elderly parents have admitted they only voted for Brexit because they have been in the pay of Russia for 40 years, and your real surname is Denisovich.

ZACK Polanski is far from the first middle-class man mortified by his plumber being far more successful than he is, voters have assured him.

THE Conservatives’ vote-winning policy of abolishing inheritance tax has only a single flaw, which is that very, very few people will ever pay it.

THE Egyptian mummy removed from display at a Glasgow museum has confessed he felt violated by hundreds of eyes crawling over his linen-wrapped body.

THE government’s ‘Be Ready’ campaign is advising Britons on how to prepare for threats like extreme weather and cyber-attacks. Here girlfriend Nikki Hollis interprets that advice.

AHEAD of new tickets being released, the British Museum has confirmed the Shroud of Turin has been booked to warm up the queue to see the Bayeux Tapestry.

IRRITATING bastards who play TikToks loudly on public transport without headphones are greatly amused by the idea that they will be challenged and fined.

THE French have a lower retirement age and free universities because they’re not afraid to set a shop on fire. They would riot over any one of these British shit sandwiches.

THE foundations of a father’s identity have been shaken after he decided to put the heating on before November.

AS a couple, we wondered if there could be something more to our hollow lives. So we tried buying everything we wanted all the time, and it’s been brilliant.

AN old-fashioned time piece is shamelessly showing off its incredibly sexy, curvaceous figure for all to see.

OLDER men looking to attract younger women have leapt onto the fake nipple trend and are wearing as many as 18 per outfit.

A MAN who attempted to chat up a woman in a dog park has been outed as a loather of dogs pretty much immediately.

AN 18-year-old beginning his second week at university has already found the person who he will be desperate to avoid all the way until graduation.

THE older generation wanted generic classics. The happy millennial couple demanded this bullshit.

WANT to keep your sex life exciting, but also find those earbuds you keep losing? Try these erotic positions and buying pricey replacements will be a thing of the past.

A 28-YEAR-OLD man is delighted to be diagnosed as having ‘anxious avoidant attachment’ by the enthusiastic amateurs on his girlfriend’s group chat.

GOT an ex or male friend who, as 35 approaches, looks better and better? Here’s how to convince him and yourself that he was always the one.

A WIFE is unsure how to feel about her husband, after 15 years of marriage, finally learning how to make her orgasm.

HAVE you got a sexual past that so vanilla it could be in the freezer section at Asda, but want to appear less boring to a lover? Here’s how to craft a dubious erotic tale.

MEN who equate advanced mathematical ability with hotness after Hannah Fry’s stint on Celebrity Traitors are confused that not all in the profession are equally gorgeous.

ELON Musk’s car company Tesla has launched an effective new way to tell if someone is an insufferable bellend.

SO, all this brown stuff just plopped out of my bottom and into the toilet. What should I do next?

CYBER criminals are threatening to tell M&S all about your secret addiction to buying cheap fast fashion from ASOS.

CELEBRITY Traitors contestant Hannah Fry is not only intelligent, but in a maths way. If you want to stand a chance with her you need to excel at science. Do any of these.

MOTHERING a child causes certain biological changes, among them being able to discern what is real and what is generative AI. Mum’s sent you these five just to double-check.

BRITAIN needs a new Bond, and rather than young Americans we should look to homegrown performers usually seen on ITV1 on Sunday evenings. Who are you backing?

FOLLOWING the huge success of The Celebrity Traitors the BBC is planning to produce a spin-off of Strictly Come Dancing with celebrities.

GB News is launching its own radio station to win round those few Britons not already devoted to its TV channel. Here’s a sneak preview.

SHARLEEN Spiteri chose not to go on The Celebrity Traitors, it turns out. But this reminder of Texas raises a wider question: should you listen to Scottish music? Let’s look at the nation’s top songs.

THE entire of Liverpool is to become a 43-square mile Beatles museum, the city has announced.

PRINCE Harry has confessed his inability to understand what his petty shithead brother and his droopy impotent dick’s issues with him are.

YES, I am flogging my own signature range of sex toys. And this is a feminist event because society was too repressed to talk about mechanical knob substitutes until me.

THE diamond-studded bra worn by Kylie Jenner at a Victoria’s Secret show has been criticised by men for hiding her breasts from view.

A WOMAN is mortified to have to tell everyone she knows that she is attracted to a tall, charming, famous man, it has emerged.

WISTFULLY staring at manual workers imagining they have it easier than you? Any one of these good, honest careers would cause your underpaid limbs immense pain.

DUE to my six-figure income and shrewd investments I have close to a million in my pension scheme. Should I give up work, or am I content with showing off in this article?

A TWO-HOUR Monday morning meeting has ended with all participants drained, shaken and unable to explain what went on.

BRITAIN ain’t what it used to be, mate. You can’t get a GP appointment, the bin collections are fortnightly and you can’t get a decent job without being ‘fired’ for ‘fraudulent expenses’.

HOT people may be pleasant to look at, but that does not entitle them to work in any job they like. In fact they’re best banned from these roles:

A MAN’S attempts to cure his hangovers are getting increasingly complicated to the point where they may be too difficult to do while hungover. 

THEY sell pints. but we all know they’re actually about the fancy food. Yet I dared to dream, challenged the herd and got absolutely wrecked at a country gastropub.

MEETING an old pal you haven't seen in years only to find he’s not only sober, but proud of it? Here’s how the long, long evening will inevitably pan out.

DISCARDED nicotine pouches yellowing in urinal troughs in are ushering in a public house’s seasonal transition to Scandinavian cosiness.

EXPERIENCED Munich’s festival of outdoor beer-swilling and keen to attract similar drunken overspending to your provincial piss-pot parish? Go ahead.

A WELL-STOCKED city watering hole is ready to cater to the needs of drinkers who want to choose from up to 28 differently-named 4.5 per cent IPAs with citrus notes.