KEMI Badenoch will stop the jobless buying cigarettes, alcohol or gambling with their benefits. What would you snatch out of their grubby hands?

PRESIDENT Trump knows exactly three things about the UK and has forgotten three others. This is the full extent of his knowledge and ignorance.

ANDY Burnham meets Donald Trump for the first time today, and it is unlikely to go well. The last six prime ministers warn him what to expect.

AWARE of his precarious position within his party, Liberal Democrat leader Ed Davey has soberly ziplined onto the conference stage without applause.

ANYONE applying to be a Reform candidate will be interviewed by the police to be on the safe side.

US politicians who could never understand how routinely farcical everyday life in the UK is are still insisting they know who the bad guys are.

WHAT’S in a name? Well, if given to a child it can forever determine their position at the bottom end of Britain’s hierarchy. There will be no social climbing for these.

ED Sheeran chose capitalism over doing the right thing: repeating what me and my mates tell him to and cancelling his tour. And these monsters also made bad choices.

WHEN pornography raises its ugly head in conversation feigning total ignorance is unconvincing, but you should imply you never lower yourself to masturbation. Here’s how.

AFTER 40 minutes drafting, editing and re-reading the text, proofread and peer-reviewed by four other friends, she adds ‘no worries if not!’ to the end. Also useful at these times.

AN 18-year-old beginning his second week at university has already found the person who he will be desperate to avoid all the way until graduation.

I WAS all ready for the school run. Miu Miu coat. Mulberry bag. Devastating list of my children’s achievements. Then nothing happened, because I’m in Warrington.

A MAN is pining for the days of tastefully shot softcore porn that did not feature stepmoms or being stuck in washing machines.

YOU have arrived at your chosen university and a year’s study stretches ahead of you but you’ve got thousands in your pocket right now. Here’s how you’ll waste it.

A MAN who in a physical sense has lost his virginity is still a sexless loser deep down in his soul.

A 42-YEAR-OLD who was a pariah in youth for not drinking, not having sex, being right-wing and having a mullet is gratified to see those things become cool.

AFTER an 18-year wait the kids have gone to university, the house is empty, and the two of you are wondering what you used to do with all these hours. Was it this kind of thing?

A WOMAN is thoroughly enjoying a relationship with a man where there is absolutely no chance of them ever having sex.

ASKED for something a bit kinky from your partner and been turned down? Here are some mature ways to react.

EVERY woman is watching for the classic red flags: controlling, rude to waiters, below 5ft 9ins. But if he owns vinyl of any of these, drop him immediately.

A WOMAN’S one-night stand has followed up on their sexual encounter with a request that she post feedback and a review on his profile.

A MAN has discovered his hot sexy Goth mommy girlfriend is actually morose and melancholic and hard work to be around.

HI-TECH eyewear used to film women without their knowledge is unfairly besmirching normal bespectacled peepers and voyeurs, it has emerged.

AI. Everyone wants it but America has it, and they also have the best safety system in existence to make sure it can never harm anyone: me. This is how I do it.

THERE are all kinds of rumours going around about AI. That it’s dangerous. That it regularly breaks its own guardrails. That it could ‘wipe out humanity’.

A GAMING franchise centred on enacting criminal violence against innocents seems to be so beautiful it could heal the world, fans believe.

THE abyss of an age verification check has gazed back at a man preparing to prove he is old enough to access pornography.

ONLYFANS has revolutionised the way lonely men abuse themselves to sickeningly specific fetishes while thinking a direct debit constitutes a relationship. Do these and earn back.

THE Rooneys have shown off their mansion in a new documentary. But while you may not have their millions, you can recreate the most beautiful features in your own home. Here’s how.

YES, there have been other effusive reviews of Nigella on Bake Off. But after seeing her captivate viewers with her beauty, wisdom and wit, I have decided she must be mine.

FANS are threatening to boycott the Fall’s final album after rumours those working on it after Mark E Smith’s death allowed themselves to show basic musical prowess.

THE Great British Bake Off returns to screens tonight with its most lascivious, finger-licking judge yet. Nigella Lawson will employ all these innuendos in one show.

STRICTLY Come Dancing is back, and with it a host of contestants who have been awarded fame without your consent. Who the bloody hell is that supposed to be?

THROW a rock at your television and you’ll almost certainly hit someone wrong, but it takes a special set of skills to be right and still invite masonry-pitchers. Like these six.

PALOMA Faith says ‘Free Palestine!’ when she tucks her children up at night, ensuring they will grow up to become Tories. How are you being a smug left-wing parent?

THE King has revealed that he only sounded ‘giddily elated’ because he was being fellated at the time.

DO you want to hear ghoulish, salacious Royal gossip but there’s no way you’re reading a book by Earl Spencer? Here are the best bits condensed for your puerile tastes.

I COULD never forget Diana. Her radiance, her kindness, her compassion, and the identity of every man with whom she violated the sanctity of her marriage.

HOT people may be pleasant to look at, but that does not entitle them to work in any job they like. In fact they’re best banned from these roles:

BORED at work? Have you considered hating one of, or all of, your co-workers for reasons they would consider petty but you call unforgivable? This should get you started.

RESEARCH has found that the older you are, the guiltier you feel about taking time off sick. And it can definitely cause some deeply irrational thoughts, like these:

MEN in offices have explained to their superiors that today is also a bank holiday if you are sufficiently into football.

MONEY is vulgar. We know you’re applying for this position because you believe you can maximise value for our shareholders. That’s why we prefer not to bring it up.

STUDENTS newly arriving at university have hit the bars to drink away their fears about already owing tens of thousands of pounds.

DRINKERS under 40 are not managing to keep pace with their elders, leading to awkward round-buying and life-expectancy disparities.

MOST of England will be covered by amber heat health alerts for the next three days. How does that translate to lager consumption? Dr Helen Archer explains.

THERE’S a row over whether standing in pubs, or ‘vertical drinking’, should be banned. But there are plenty of other irritations to ban first, like these. 

HE’S been sitting there all evening and you know, and he knows you know, it’s his round. Use these ways to gently point it out to the scrounging bastard.

I READ Keir Starmer is allowing pubs to open until 5am on Monday morning to show the England game. Am I extending my hours? Am I f**k.