ELON Musk has belatedly discovered every friendship with Trump goes the same way: he profits, you lose. These are the stages:

REFORM chairman Zia Yusuf has been asked what on earth he thought Reform represented after resigning over a proposed burqa ban.

THE prime minister has asked his country to be as up for a fight as it is every Friday evening after eight pints and a kebab, but geopolitically.

THE world order trembles on the edge of collapse. Only principled politicians attending whiskey launches by convicted criminals at Scunthorpe FC can save it.

THE government has brought Rod Stewart’s model railway into public ownership despite the star's protests, it has emerged.

GETTING married? The list of twats you do not want to invite but must grows longer by the day. You will be paying £135 per head for these wankers.

THE disgrace of having received free school meals is to be extended until the age of 35 by making recipients wear badges.

A TEENAGE boy is up in his room furiously streaming content that reflects the values of Pride Month.

THE Liverpool parade crash suspect is in court today while rumours continue to swirl online that the real culprit was not a white man. As in these cases.

I’VE always dreamt of being a police community support officer, so I jumped at the chance to confront the worst type of criminal scum threatening our society: fare dodgers.

WHEN backpacker Nikki Hollis went missing in Stoke-on-Trent, friend Tom Logan knew he had to save her. Here is the moving story of how he finally brought her home.

A WOMAN has vowed to be a good ally by being bisexual for the entirety of Pride month.

IT’S that time of year when Britons go on a cheap package holiday, have a miserable time and moan about it to the Sun. Here’s what foreigners are forcing them to complain about.

A WOMAN who enjoys stationery as an abstract, decorative concept has been disgusted to see it being used for its assigned purpose.

A WOMAN taking a week’s holiday abroad is weighed down by the expectation that it must be a voyage of emotional exploration and self-discovery.

GOOD morning. Today we’re hearing from Johan, who’s dealing with some unusual horticultural conditions because he’s woken up with a f**king ship in the garden.

A WOMAN whose body has adjusted to holding a takeaway coffee in every waking moment is no longer able to stand upright without one.

BOOING our own player? Who’s just won the league? Of course we did. And anyone who criticises that doesn’t understand he’s made all Liverpool fans look right dicks.

A 63-YEAR-OLD man has explained to his grandchildren that once, Liverpool were just as successful and twatty about it as Manchester City are today.

COMPETITORS in the London Marathon are running into an actual, physical wall and attempting to grittily push through it.

FOOTBALL fans from chic, sophisticated Paris are currently in Birmingham due to a foul quirk of the Champions League.

GARETH Southgate believes all young people should miss a crucial penalty at a major football championship as a learning experience.

GROWING up pre-internet provided a wealth of opportunities to aggravate your family and community that technology has snatched away.

WE have all seen him, admired him and wondered what it takes to become him: the tit buzzing his budget drone around a public park. Follow these rules.

NIGEL Farage has announced that Reform UK is now accepting bitcoin in an attempt to grab the youth weed dealer vote. How much will you be donating?

A MILLENNIAL man has proved he is not hopelessly addicted to his phone by focusing his attention on a completely different screen for a whole 30 minutes.

A SIMPLE monosyllabic text from a father has left his family scratching their heads. Can you make sense of it?

THE matriarch of a xenomorph hive is to join Katy Perry on today’s all-female space launch, it has been confirmed.

AN acclaimed new album by Pulp focuses on the age-appropriate subject of erectile dysfunction for nine of its 11 tracks.

LADY Gaga and Pulp are both rumoured to be performing surprise Glastonbury sets. But the anguish of the audience if these artists strode onstage instead would be a joy.

WAS the last proper book you ever read one you were forced to by teachers when you were 16? These GSCE texts killed your love of literature for life.

LOVE Island is back, and this summer’s contestants are the most homogenous yet. Here they are in ascending order of tiny slivers of individuality.

BEAUTIFUL blonde Billie Piper has immediately become a dad’s most beloved incarnation of the Doctor, he has confirmed.

THERE is a new Banksy out there, and if you can smash the wall it’s on and get the bits home, you’ll be a millionaire! These are the rules.

A TEACHER recognised by his pupils as ‘cool’ is actually a 28-year-old man desperate to be popular with children, it has emerged.

A MAN has brightened after realising that, despite his having masturbated already today, a second go is a distinct possibility.

EVEN the stupid need jobs, and they’re prepared to overlook the long-term consequences entirely if offered enough. Hence these employment opportunities:

BRITONS are thinking about what they would be doing in the sun if they were not basically historical slaves but with computers.

LINKEDIN has confirmed those searching your name on the professional networking site are not doing so to see your recent work activities but for rampant, gleeful self-abuse.

GETTING a group of co-workers to mesh can be a challenge, but you don’t need to waste money on wanky team-building events. Simply appeal to their basest instincts, like this...

A MAN who does not have a single coherent memory of a music festival he spent the weekend at firmly believes he had the time of his life.

KEIR Starmer is allowing pubs to stay open two hours later tonight to celebrate VE Day. Here’s how to show your respect for those who experienced the war by drinking more.

A MAN has looked at the power cut across Spain, considered his options, and decided that in similar circumstances in the UK he would get pissed.

MOCKED as the alcoholic beverages of choice for builders and bus-stop pissheads, these drinks are ripe for gentrification in Shoreditch pop-up bars.

EASTER is less popular with Brits than Christmas or other bank holidays because it’s not a licence to get totally shitfaced. Here’s how to liven it up with games involving alcohol abuse.