YOUR girlfriend is electric in the sack, but is it because she's imagining you're someone else? Take our quiz.
RESIDENTS of Wolverhampton are sick of tourists posing outside of their homes and clogging up their stunning town centre, it has emerged.
A PENSIONER who was unsure if he was going to vote Conservative has been won over by the prospect of young people getting riddled with bullets.
A MAN has received a text message from his mother at the midpoint of a furious masturbatory frenzy.
Councils shouldn’t install ornate lamp-posts. There’s a real risk people might end up learning to tap dance.
SMALLER Smeg appliances are in no way impressive unless complementing a huge Smeg refrigerator, homeowners have confirmed.
MANCHESTER United play rivals Manchester City in today’s FA Cup final, but would a shock win cause the magnetic poles to reverse and the dead to walk the earth?
Politics
HELLO. I’m Jeremy Hunt, chancellor by default, and pre-election I’d like to talk you through the economic model that has made Britain such a success.
KEIR Starmer has been informed that if he is taking being prime minister seriously, he will need a f**k of a lot more than six fixes.
THE government is keen to politicise sex education, but should Conservative MPs be giving anyone advice on sex? Here is a worrying copy of a ‘learning resource’ they’ve created.
FORMER Tory MP Natalie Elphicke is doing her best to fit in with her new Labour comrades, but struggling to find common ground. These are her openers so far.
THE member for Dover has defected from the Conservatives to Labour, but what invaluable secrets does she bring from her former masters?
Society
YOU have suspended my daughter. You, who’s meant to be educating her for six hours a day but can’t cope with a bit of challenging behaviour. And now the vicious cow’s at home.
THE Vatican has cracked down on a rash of rogue miracles with new guidelines on supernatural phenomena. Will you be toeing the line?
A RECORD number of UK families cannot afford to buy absolutely everything they want, it has emerged.
TAKING the piss out of other countries is generally seen as xenophobic, but sometimes it’s fair enough. Like in these cases.
THE under-30s are entering into mortgage agreements so long they will have paid off their student loans before the end of them, estimates suggest.
Lifestyle
EMINEM’S daughter has got married, so her husband presumably has to discuss DIY with a controversial rap megastar accused of hating women. Here are more freakish celebrity in-law situations.
MANIFESTING – the practice of visualising the accomplishment of a goal to make it come true – has never been so popular, and never been so bollocks. This is why.
THE uptight Spaniards are whinging about Brits having fun in Magaluf again. Here are some handy Spanish phrases to help keep relations cordial during your holiday.
A TEENAGER has been struggling with monumental indecision over which of her outfits would best suit loitering in a car park behind a B&M Bargains.
Sport
TEAMS relegated on the last day of the Premier League season will only be replaced by different ones, it has emerged.
GARETH Southgate, the most successful England manager since Alf Ramsey, is a miserable failure who lost his country two Euros and a World Cup. Time for him to go?
MANCHESTER United’s reputation among those with zero interest in sport is still that of a world-class team, it has emerged.
Science & Technology
BEING handsome or beautiful is not the be-all-and-end-all of being attractive but it does account for 95 per cent, scientists have confirmed.
A WHATSAPP group is the mourning the loss of one of its members after it was discovered his silence was not due to him ‘being shit at the bantz’, but because he is dead.
A CANTERBURY cafe has banned laptops and claims it has helped build a community. Should others do the same?
SMARTPHONE apps were meant to make life easier but instead add to the general anxiety of it by harassing you constantly. Like these ones.
WHATSAPP loves shit-stirring by telling you a friend has deleted a message. Here’s a reasonable guess at what they said.
Arts & Entertainment
ALL couples have rocky patches, and Jennifer and I are no different. But luckily there’s someone I can always turn to in difficult situations: Batman. Here’s how he’s helping me right now.
DO you know someone who enjoys pretending that Showgirls is worth sitting through in an ironic way? They probably like these other films too.
THE King has unveiled a new portrait inspired by Slayer’s 1986 album Reign In Blood, which he says ‘is the guiding light of my rule’.
ANNE Hathaway’s new film centres on a 40-year-old woman romancing a younger man. Should we be supportive of such relationships, or are they doomed to fail? Tom Logan, 45, gives his verdict.
EXAMS looming? Left the revision too late? Got earbuds, a Spotify account and three-and-a-half minutes? These could scrape you a pass.
BOOKMAKERS have given Olly Alexander a one per cent chance of winning the Eurovision Song Contest. Is it time the UK left it?
Business
THE soaring number of office workers selfishly dying at their desks is costing Britain £2.6bn a year, a new report has found.
A MAN decades younger than you who has already achieved more than you ever will can go and f**k himself, older generations have agreed.
THE Post Office has announced that counterfeit stamps, heavy rain and the Arctic Monkeys’ recent loungecore albums are all postmasters’ fault.
Work
A JUDGE has ruled that saying ‘back in your day’ to an older colleague could be considered age harassment. Here are some phrases young people had better not say to you, then.
TO stand out in the job market, why not impress on employers that you’re a first-class prick with your job title alone? Any of these should do it.
OFFICE jobs look complicated from the outside, but all they really involve is sending these five emails again and again and again forever.
WALKING to the office printer to make some copies is as fun and relaxing as a fortnight in the Lake District, it has been confirmed.
WORKPLACE safety assessments are finding that the main occupational hazard facing Britons is being around twats all day.
AN emergency plumber with an exorbitant call out fee and a string of desperate clients is feeling more powerful than Zeus, he has confirmed.
Alcohol
A COUPLE on a citybreak have reported that Berlin is a marvellous location for getting absolutely shitfaced.
ENGLAND has the highest rate of child alcohol consumption of all countries surveyed by the World Health Organisation, but are your children doing their part?
DRINKING sessions are a great way to connect with friends when your inhibitions are down. And also ruin your life by sharing these overly personal admissions.
INCOME, age, race and class have proved no obstacle to any British citizen’s inalienable right to drink alcohol whenever they want to.
A GROUP of lads out for an all-day session have lapsed into silence after exhausting their stock of ironic football-based banter.
A GROUP of friends meeting for pre-drinks before a night out have found themselves slipping painlessly into serious drinking.
