International

SEATS at the Olympic opening ceremony, boycotted by western leaders, are to be given to some of China's star executioners, the Beijing government said last night.

IRELAND'S leprechaun catchers were grabbing their nets and pulling on their boots last night as the country began it's search for a new leader.

PRESIDENT Robert Mugabe has agreed to resign in exchange for a pension of 5000 gazillion Zimbabwean dollars a year.

ROBERT Mugabe no longer commands the support of the Zimbabwean people and must resign from office, Ricky and Bianca said last night.

JAPAN is offering free whaling lessons and discounts on harpoons in a bid to encourage more people to take up its favourite leisure pursuit.

RUSSIA'S new president has told the nation's army of poisoners it is 'business as usual'.

DEMOCRATIC frontrunner Barak Obama has been forced to deny claims he had sex with a turban during a visit to Africa.

A GROUP of Saudi men jailed for flirting have claimed they were driven to it by a provocatively dressed woman who flashed the bridge of her nose at them.

IF Britain wants to pay more than £15 for a DVD player then it may as well just go ahead and boycott the Beijing Olympics, the prime minister said last night.

INDIANA Jones, the eminent archaeologist, has condemned the Chinese as a 'gang of no-good scumbags' claiming they tried to poison him in a Shanghai nightclub.