Record Number Of Dogs Passing GCSEs

MORE than 75% of dogs who sat this year's GCSE exams have achieved at least three passing grades, the government has announced.

Ministers welcomed the record results, rejecting claims that the exams were getting easier and insisting that British dogs were becoming more intelligent.

Schools Minister Jim Knight said: "English and maths, in particular, are the bedrock of every dog's education as well as knowing where to go poo-poo."

Recent exam changes mean that dogs who turn up and are able to make two or three random marks on the paper are awarded a pass. Urinating or depositing solids on or around the paper guarantees at least a C grade.

Schools in England have been under particular pressure to improve results in dog maths and dog chemistry. Despite a fall in numbers for dog French and dog German, there has been a rise in candidates for Arabic, Chinese and dog Polish.

Mr Knight rejected claims that GCSEs were too easy, despite the fact that more than 25,000 human children who failed to turn up for their exams were awarded five passes at C grade or above.

He added: "Do you really think that we, as politicians, would make the exams easier just so we could look good? How stupid do you think we think you are?"

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Poor People To Eat Carbon Under U.S. Climate Plan

RICH western countries will export their carbon in the form of tasty buns and cakes for the consumption by people in the Third World, under a radical new proposal.

With the United States and Europe struggling to reduce CO2 emissions, the US government has called for carbon to captured, reconstituted and offered to poor nations as a chocolate covered treat.

White House spokesman Tony Snow said: "Under the programme billions of Carbon Cakes will be delivered to the developing world each year until everything returns to normal.

"This way we get rid of our carbon and hungry people in some of the poorest countries in the world get a delicious snack. It kills two humongous birds with one stone."

But Oxfam has warned that without stringent supervision the cakes will be commandeered by third world regimes and resold illegally.

A spokesman said: "Inevitably these cakes will find their way into British school canteens."

Meanwhile scientists have claimed that the carbon will still be released into the atmosphere when the cakes 'come out the other end'.

But Snow insisted: "At that point it becomes the responsibility of its host country. You cannot expect the United States to be responsible for the poo of foreign nationals."