That Shrew Is So Fucking Hammered, Say Zoologists

YOU should have totally seen this shrew, it was out of its face, a team of zoologists claimed last night.

The scientists, from the Institute for Studies, discovered the tiny mammal in the West Malaysian rainforest as part of their worldwide research into animals that like a drink.

The pen-tailed tree shrew sips alcoholic nectar from exotic flowers, but also enjoys gin, vodka, Sweetheart Stout and mojitos.

Team leader, Professor Wayne Hayes, said: "We started off with a couple of G&Ts, just to loosen things up and then had a couple of pints. By the time we were on our third mojito the wee bastard was totally off his face.

"I said to Dave, I said, 'Dave! Check it out. This shrew is fuckin' hammered. I think he's trying to take a swing at me'.

"It then gave me a dirty look and wandered off into the undergrowth while Dave and I had yet another conversation about why I am not trying to shag his wife, who, by the way, is a fat bag and totally up for it.

"Anyway, the next morning we found the shrew fast asleep in a tiny little puddle of sick. It was adorable."

Professor Hayes added: "So far we've discovered a zebra that drinks like an Irishman and a badger with an insatiable thirst for Pinot Grigio. And then, of course, there was the schnapps monkey.

"We're now off to Thailand where we hope to discover how much Creme De Menthe you can pour into an elephant before it goes mental."

 

Winehouse Enjoys Incident-Free Piss

AMY Winehouse visited the toilet of her North London home last night and emerged three minutes later after a textbook piss, according to friends.

The Back to Black singer entered the upstairs lavatory at 9.45pm carrying a cigarette but without her chest inhaler, which she left in the lounge.

Once positioned with her back to the toilet Winehouse pulled down her jeans and underwear in a single motion before sitting on the seat.

The troubled vocalist urinated for approximately seven seconds but remained sitting on the lavatory for a further 35 seconds with her head nodding slightly, prompting some concern.

However, Winehouse, best known for her songs Rehab and You Know I’m No Good, then regained control and stood up strongly to replace her underwear and jeans, after first dabbing briefly at her private area with some tissue paper.

She washed her hands with an aloe vera and lavender moisturising handwash before exiting the bathroom at 9.48pm, having momentarily sniffed her fingers.

The friend said: "It was your classic British piss. There were no drips and definitely no follow-through. I doubt even Duffy pisses better than that.

"Luckily Blake is in prison, so the seat was down and we were spared the usual drug fueled tantrum.

"But as a friend you are always worried. Last week she went for the most almighty shit, slid off the pan and we had to crank up the defibrillator."