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Butterflies 'pissed'

THE erratic flight patterns of Britain’s butterflies are due to them being permanently drunk.

Research has found that the meandering flapping motions of Cabbage Whites and Red Admirals closely resemble the staggering movements of inebriated individuals leaving a pub or nightclub.

Entomologist Tom Booker said: “You’ll never catch butterflies sober enough to fly in formation like geese. They need to admit they have a problem and seek professional help.

“Contrary to popular belief, their proboscis is not for consuming nectar. It’s so they can slurp up the last drops of booze in discarded beer bottles and cans of cider. Tragic, really, when you stop and think about it.

“Who knows what butterflies would be capable of if they weren’t so addicted to alcohol. Instead, they’re aimlessly bouncing from one pub garden to the next severely damaging their livers. That is why they only live for a couple of weeks.

“It’s just as well they don’t drive or need to use keys to get into their little butterfly houses. They’d be a danger to themselves and others.”

Painted Lady Roy Hobbs said: “I’ve started going to AA. I realised I had a problem when my wife left me and took the caterpillars.”

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Seven totally f**king amazing things I am going to do but not right now. By Elon Musk

AS I explained in a somewhat tetchy interview with The Economist, an incredible tech-topia awaits humanity thanks to me. Here’s what it will be like when I actually do it.

A state of superabundance

No one will have to work and everyone will have as much of anything they want, whether it’s food or the latest technology. How will I achieve this? Robots and AI. You feel I should be a bit more specific than that? Sorry, I’m not wasting my time explaining it to an obviously dumb person.

Hotels on the Sun

Space travel is easy. We’ve pretty much built the cities on Mars by now, so I’m going to set up a few holiday resorts on the Sun. On the way back you can stop off to buy souvenirs and have a hilarious game of low-gravity golf on Mercury. Is any of this in any way real, or just a shameless attempt to stop the SpaceX share price collapsing? If I’m brutally honest it’s the ‘con man’ option.

Hot robot girlfriends

You may think we’re some way from lifelike robot partners, but I’ve developed a new cybernetic technology called ‘in the future’. My shitty Optimus robots will become gorgeous androids like Alicia Vikander in Ex Machina – in the future. Sure, they currently have a tendency to freeze and not respond to external stimuli, but every woman I’ve had sex with does that.

Tesla genitals

To have great sex with your robot girlfriend or boyfriend you’ll want one of the futuristic penises or vaginas I’m working on with the team who designed the Cybertruck. We’ve addressed the adhesive issue, so there’s only a 35 per cent chance of your dick randomly falling off.

Faster-than-light cars

We’re also working on a new Model Y that will circumvent the laws of physics thanks to its hyperwarp drive I’ve imagined. And if you turn on the ‘reverse ageing’ function, time dilation will actually make you get younger every time you go for a drive. How close are we to this? I’d say early 2027.

Human brains to be upgraded to Grok

I’ve said before that AI is smarter than any human so who wouldn’t want Grok permanently hardwired into their head? It might sometimes hallucinate and make you think you’re picking up your phone when in fact you’re reaching for a dog turd or a boiling pan, but it will also fill your vision with a naked porno image of any person you look at. How cool will that be?

Everyone will be a googolionaire

A googol is 1 followed by a hundred zeros, and you’ll all have that in dollars, or pounds for you guys. Cynics might say this is economically meaningless and my businesses are actually just ideas-based Ponzi schemes. To them I’d say: ‘Forget about that, I’m inventing an interdimensional taxi that’s free and reduces any journey to 20 seconds by taking shortcuts through the multiverse.’

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