Dog owner satisfied with picking up most of turd

A DOG owner is satisfied with the job she did of picking up 70 percent of a sh*t and leaving a good-sized chunk on the pavement.

After Emma Bradford’s golden retriever Sandy produced a large poo during a walk, she collected most of it in a plastic bag but left a substantial fecal hazard for the general public.

Bradford said: “You hear about people getting terrible back problems, so I don’t like bending over too much. Also it’s tiring. The important thing is I bagged up the biggest bit. 

“A little bit on the pavement is fine because it’s all part of the ecosystem. I’m sure the rain instantly washes it into the soil where it nourishes the plants. Maybe squirrels use it as cement to build their squirrel houses.  

“There’s probably even a species of bird that eats dog poo. So people should look at the bigger environmental picture instead of getting upset about stepping in it.”

Neighbour Wayne Hayes said: “I just stepped in the turd in my new trainers. I’m sure Emma won’t mind if I flick her dog’s sh*t back into her ecosystem, or ‘driveway’ as I call it.”

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MPs vote to kick Boris in the nuts pre-emptively

THE House of Commons has voted to give Boris Johnson a solid boot in the stones before he even starts. 

A clear majority of MPs backed an amendment to not even say anything and just kick the incoming prime minister hard in the nadsack, leaving him curled on the floor gasping for breath. 

Julian Cook, Tory MP for Swindon South, said: “Theoretically it could be Jeremy Hunt, if he wins the leadership contest and actually has nuts. But we all know it’ll be Boris. 

“We’ll see how much chutzpah and charisma he’s got when he’s writhing on the carpet clutching his testicles in agonising pain. And optimism. Don’t forget optimism. 

“17 of Boris’s fellow Tories volunteered to unexpectedly hold his arms at the end of a corridor while the chosen striker takes a run-up. Four cabinet ministers have confirmed they would stand by, arms folded, and let it happen. 

“Who the actual b*llock-kicker will be is undecided. Probably one of the SNP. In this area you’ve got to defer to the Scots’ authority.” 

Cook added: “As a bonus there’ll be no sex scandals for the first fortnight. Which gets us about halfway through Boris’s time in office.”