Am I going to Hell for watering my plants in the nod?

Dear Holly,

Wills and Kate’s legal battle has left me confused about whether my own habit of nude gardening is shameful. Am I doomed to eternal damnation for watering my plants in the nod?


Kings Lynn

Dear Tom,

Isn’t it funny that grown-ups get all hot and bothered when someone gets naked? Animals don’t care: my granny’s dog Bilko is naked ALL the time, and you can see his willy and balls and everything, and our cat is always rubbing his big pink bumhole in the faces of people who come to visit. Our teacher at school says a long time ago in the seventies, when Jesus’ mum and dad, Adam and Eve were alive, they would be in the skud all the time, hanging about like hippies in a garden, running through a sprinkler and making mud pies and stuff. They would have avoided the sandpit though because of chafing. Anyway, one day, Eve got talking to a snake called Gok Wan who grabbed her boobies and told her that as a larger lady she should reconsider her wardrobe, and Eve got all embarrassed and covered her modesty with £19.99 skinny jeans that gave her a terrible fat back. And that’s basically why people started wearing clothes. It’s a true story.

Hope that helps!