Am I going to Hell for watering my plants in the nod?

Dear Holly,

Wills and Kate’s legal battle has left me confused about whether my own habit of nude gardening is shameful. Am I doomed to eternal damnation for watering my plants in the nod?


Kings Lynn

Dear Tom,

Isn’t it funny that grown-ups get all hot and bothered when someone gets naked? Animals don’t care: my granny’s dog Bilko is naked ALL the time, and you can see his willy and balls and everything, and our cat is always rubbing his big pink bumhole in the faces of people who come to visit. Our teacher at school says a long time ago in the seventies, when Jesus’ mum and dad, Adam and Eve were alive, they would be in the skud all the time, hanging about like hippies in a garden, running through a sprinkler and making mud pies and stuff. They would have avoided the sandpit though because of chafing. Anyway, one day, Eve got talking to a snake called Gok Wan who grabbed her boobies and told her that as a larger lady she should reconsider her wardrobe, and Eve got all embarrassed and covered her modesty with £19.99 skinny jeans that gave her a terrible fat back. And that’s basically why people started wearing clothes. It’s a true story.

Hope that helps!




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Seagulls are delicious, says Osborne

GEORGE Osborne has produced his own glossy booklet of money-saving tips for benefits claimants.

Written in a breezy style, Careful George’s Handy Hints to Save £10 Billion contains advice on how to shop wisely, reduce waste and make cheap-but-nutritious recipes such as ‘Simply Super Seagull Soup’.

The booklet begins: “Living well on a budget is often just a matter of being sensible. Ask yourself if you really need those expensive trainers when wearing two empty tissue boxes are more fun!

“Supermarket own-brands are often just as good as more expensive ones. A tin of Tesco dog food doesn’t taste any different to an expensive tin of Pedigree Chum once you’ve made it into a casserole!

“Instead of throwing away dishcloths and dusters, wash them out and use them again by sewing them together to make clothes (if people mock you in the street, just pretend to be a professional clown!).”

The booklet goes on to describe more than 200 money-saving measures, including reducing heating bills by sharing a bed with your elderly parents, and going on holiday by clinging to the underside of a lorry.

However the booklet has not been without its critics, such as unemployed marketing consultant Tom Logan, who claims he has failed several job interviews due to wearing a suit made out of some mouldy carpet he found by the road.

Logan said: “I’m all in favour of thrifty things like saving slivers of soap. But I’m not sure it’s safe to make them into a pie.”

Jobseeker Nikki Hollis said: “I’m a feckless scrounger, so anything that frees up cash for White Lightning and Superkings is fine by me. Who fancies a cardboard sandwich?”