Men losing interest in breasts

THE seemingly endless Kate Middleton topless saga is making men bored with breasts, it has emerged.

As the breast-related furore rumbles on interminably, many lifelong boob admirers are losing interest in the whole concept of bosoms.

Self-styled ladies’ man Wayne Hayes said: “I must have liked them, I’ve got thousands of pictures of them on my computer.  But now I just see two mounds of fatty tissue on the front of a woman’s body.

“All this tedious debate has killed the magic. Suddenly they’re just another vaguely rounded body part, like a knee cap.”

The shift in breast perception is affecting the media, with readers of The Sun turning straight from page two to page four. Rihanna has scrapped the concepts for her next three videos, and men’s magazines have replaced breast pictures with pictures of other species’ nipples, including those of monkeys and cats.

Cosmetic surgeon Dr Norman Steele said: “I was halfway through sticking a bag of silicone under a woman’s skin when I realised, this is all a bit weird.

“God help me if everyone else is catching on.”

Shopkeeper Roy Hobbs was more positive: “I’m more clear headed than ever before.  Walking to work this morning, instead of checking out the ladies’ milkers I got some serious thinking done.

“I think I’ve invented a cold fusion reactor.”

Psychologist Emma Bradford said: “I’m not convinced we are entering a golden age of unparalleled male productivity. It’ll only be a matter of hours before men shift to a more ‘bum-centric’ view of the world.”



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Anti-emoticon unveiled

AN ‘anti-emoticon’ has been created, depicting a firm handshake.

The symbol, -><-, is a graphical representation of a businesslike hand-clasp with absolutely no suggestion of ‘fun’.

It was created by the Institute for Studies to mark the 30th anniversary of the annoying punctuation-based ’emoticons’ which are beloved of feelings-incontinent teenagers and people who own wacky ties.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “As you can see, it’s a strictly functional symbol. It kind of says ‘I have no feelings of warmth towards you whatsoever, especially within the context of this email’.

“It’s a faceless, cold image, for a faceless, cold age. The perfect answer to anyone who thinks a colon followed by a bracket is a picture of a happy person.

“Also it’s a neat alternative to the growing trend for straight men to sign off their emails to each other with an ‘x’ like they were Italian or something.”

However emoticon fan Nikki Hollis said: “It looks like a cute cat’s face, look at the middle bit, that’s his whiskers. And the dashes are his eyes. Awww.”

There have also been claims from teenagers that -><- looks like two penises touching.

Professor Brubaker said: “Jesus Christ, just what is wrong with people today?”