Ask Holly: Everyone thinks X Factor is shit

Dear Holly,

I’m really depressed. Everything is shit and no-one likes The X Factor anymore and I haven’t got any more ideas, except something sketchy with a referendum theme called Brexit Factor. My people are talking to Angela Merkel but she’s still unconvinced that she would make an excellent Elton John. Shall I just do everyone a favour and bugger off?



Dear Simon,

A long time ago, before the internet was invented, people were ruled over by an evil dictator called Noel Edmonds who, along with his psychotic pink henchman, Mr Blobby, dominated the airwaves and ruthlessly forced everyone in the whole world to watch the same rubbish programme every Saturday night whether they wanted to or not. He was so powerful that he could even see into people’s living rooms through the telly, and if he caught anyone trying to watch something else he would put them in a booth and gunge them to death. A truly terrifying piece of televisual history.

Hope that helps,