Ask Holly: Looking like a badger entangled in a Laura Ashley sale rail doesn’t mean I’m not a leader

Dear Holly,

I’m getting a lot of stick from the press about my fashion sense, but looking like a disgruntled badger who got entangled in a Laura Ashley sale rail doesn’t mean I’m not able to be a great leader and navigate this country safely through Brexit. Just because I slightly resemble Uncle Bulgaria doesn’t mean I’m a complete womble – why can’t people accept that?



Dear Theresa,

To be honest, I’m not surprised this country is in such a mess, considering we’re being run by a generation of people who grew up thinking it’s perfectly okay for grown man to have a long-term relationship with an abusive emu, that a foolish police detective can fight crime with ridiculous extending arms and legs and that it is perfectly legitimate for a duck to be a well-dressed egotistical vampire whose favourite food is broccoli sandwiches. It wouldn’t surprise me if half the government aren’t waiting for Jamie and his magic torch to come and show them the way out of this mess.

Hope that helps,


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Southern Rail threatens return to 'full service'

SOUTHERN Rail has ominously announced that its dreaded ‘full service’ is set to resume.

Train company bosses are ready to reinstate its much-feared regular service, to the dismay of many passengers.

Commuter Helen Archer said: “When I saw that Southern Rail was returning to ‘full service’ my heart just sank. It’s like being tapped on the shoulder by the grim reaper.

“At least when there’s a strike you know in advance it’s not going to work out. Perhaps they could return to the trains actually fucking working instead, which was probably in about 1967.”

Southern chief executive Charles Horton said: “There have been some changes.

“We will be introducing a policy of stopping for three hours each time the driver sees a cloud, and one passenger per journey will be sacrificed to appease the train god.”