Ask Holly: Since stepping down as UKIP leader I've been toying with pimping myself out

Dear Holly,

Since stepping down as leader of UKIP I’ve been toying with the idea of pimping myself out to a reality show. Imagine how viewers would recoil in horror at the sight of my enormous spotted dick being revealed on the Great British Bake Off? I’ll stoop to anything, especially if it causes offence to Europeans. Is there an EU version of I’m a Celebrity in which I can be obnoxious to everyone, refuse to eat local delicacies and demand to leave immediately? 



Dear Nigel,

I love reality TV, especially the gritty fly-on-the-wall documentary series about a young female pig called Peppa. Part social experiment, part vegan propaganda, ‘Peppa’ gives us insight into the Pig family’s troubled life, full of sibling conflict, patriarchal incompetency and catchy little songs as they and their animal friends attempt to carve themselves a meaningful existence whilst trying to delay their inevitable slaughter at the hands of humankind. But actually I think I like Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom slightly more because it has fairies.

Hope that helps,


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FA Cup to trial substituting finalists

THE FA will substitute lower-league teams who reach the FA Cup final for popular clubs like Manchester United. 

Full-team substitution lets the FA remove an entire playing squad, plus coaching staff, executive and fans, from the 2017 final if they are too badly regarded by international TV audiences to play.

FA chief Martin Glenn said: “For the first time there’s no need for a showpiece Wembley final to be ruined by an unfortunate, impossible-to-predict cup run by someone like Barnsley.

“It’s so tragic seeing them writhing painfully on the turf against a proper top-six club, everyone’s day out spoiled, everyone wondering what might have been if Wenger hadn’t played the youth team in the fourth round.

“As ever, we’re acting in the good of the wider game.”

Chairmen and fans of billionaire clubs have confirmed they will continue to regard an FA Cup win as a sackable offence.