Ask Holly: Since stepping down as UKIP leader I’ve been toying with pimping myself out

Dear Holly,

Since stepping down as leader of UKIP I’ve been toying with the idea of pimping myself out to a reality show. Imagine how viewers would recoil in horror at the sight of my enormous spotted dick being revealed on the Great British Bake Off? I’ll stoop to anything, especially if it causes offence to Europeans. Is there an EU version of I’m a Celebrity in which I can be obnoxious to everyone, refuse to eat local delicacies and demand to leave immediately? 



Dear Nigel,

I love reality TV, especially the gritty fly-on-the-wall documentary series about a young female pig called Peppa. Part social experiment, part vegan propaganda, ‘Peppa’ gives us insight into the Pig family’s troubled life, full of sibling conflict, patriarchal incompetency and catchy little songs as they and their animal friends attempt to carve themselves a meaningful existence whilst trying to delay their inevitable slaughter at the hands of humankind. But actually I think I like Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom slightly more because it has fairies.

Hope that helps,