How can I woo this handsome man?

Dear Holly,

There is a lovely handsome man at my work who I really fancy. Trouble is, he’s got a beautiful wife and three kids, whom he clearly adores. Also, I’m a burly male bus driver with many tattoos and a hairy back. How can I make him mine?



Dear Alan,

Have you considered making a wish? Wishes can come true. A matter of weeks ago, on my tenth birthday, I blew out the candles on my Minnie Mouse cake and wished for something more than I had ever wished before, something which seemed impossible, and yet here we are now, in a very different world: a world where R-Patz and K-Stew are on the verge of a split. Who in their wildest dreams could have foreseen that my wish would come true (or at least partly true, K-Stew hasn’t been mauled by a rabid dog and crushed under a lorry yet). But now I know that I have this special power, I’ve already decided what I’ll wish for on my next birthday. So when it comes on the news a year from now that Selena Gomez has accidentally had her scalp and face ripped off by a combine harvester and been publicly dumped by Justin Bieber as a result, you’ll know who to thank.

Hope that helps!