SIR Mervyn King is to start reporting on the Chinese economy in a bid to deliver some good news for a change.
The vaguely avian governor, tired of his image as a prophet of doom, has re-branded the Bank of England as the Bank of China.
King said: “Economically speaking, England has become a toxic brand, so we have moved on. As of today, the Bank of China is happy to report record growth, a world-famous cuisine and also were top of the Olympics medal table.
“Sorry I’ve been such a buzz kill for ages.”
King had become increasingly obsessed with injecting positivity into his reports. Recent attempts to lighten the mood include exaggerated growth forecasts, press releases written in Comic Sans and interest rate decisions delivered as limericks, which were scuppered by the difficulty of finding a rhyme for ‘Osborne’.
City traders have responded enthusiastically to the change, celebrating with cocaine at soulless bars staffed by borderline prostitutes.
A Chinese government spokesman said: The Bank of who? England?
“You guys can do whatever, it really makes no difference. None whatsoever.”
Before focusing on China, the Governor considered a variety of other names, including the Bank of Puppies, the Bank of Rihanna, and Rave Zone.
Sir Mervyn recently changed his own name from Marvin to stop people confusing him with one of JLS.