I waited until my wife left, then whipped out a pot of Onken

Dear Holly,

The wife is suffering terribly from a yeast infection so the physical side of our marriage has ground to a halt. I’d heard natural yoghurt could be the answer, so I waited until my wife went out then took a pot of Onken into the bedroom, but the experience was a letdown. What now?



Dear George,

If your wife was in my class, you wouldn’t be wallowing in self pity like you seem to be just now because you’d be far too busy making a mockery of aforementioned affliction. At school, it only takes a big pair of specs and a crap coat from M&S to make you a laughing stock. Anything which makes you look, smell or sound funny is up for grabs, and so you might want to spend some time thinking of a suitable nickname for your wife: may I suggest something subtle yet cutting, like ‘fusty flaps’ or ‘scadge vag’. Make sure you shout it at her at least fifteen times a day so the name sticks, reinforcing your verbal campaign with a post-it note or two on her back and maybe even carve it into some of her property. And never forget the opportunities afforded by Facebook and Twitter: once you gather momentum you might want to consider going cyber, and let everyone in the world know your wife’s got an itchy moo-moo.

Hope that helps,




Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Team researching Scottish redheads not expected to survive

RESEARCHERS studying the habits of ginger-haired Scots have admitted it is a suicide mission.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “It’s one of those jobs like entering a malfunctioning reactor at Fukushima.

“You’re doing it for the shared benefit of humanity, but you know it’s a one-way ticket.”

Team member Emma Bradford said: “Literally nothing is known about Scottish redheads, it’s always been impossible to get close to them. We think they live on stout and toffee.

She added: “Hopefully I might get to say hello to the cool actress from Doctor Who before she starts biting me.”