I've been inspired by the Pope to tell my boss to get f*cked

Dear Holly,

I’m thinking about taking inspiration from the Pope and telling my boss to go f*ck himself. If the big man can’t be bothered, why should any of the rest of us?



Dear Paul,

The Pope must be pretty special to be able to have ‘The’ as his first name – even more important than Madonna. But just because he’s a big star and best pals with God, he still needs money so he’ll probably have to go and work on the deli counter in Morrisons. He’ll be given a name badge saying ‘The’ on it, which will just look daft. The Pope will also get made to wear one of those hairnets to stop him contaminating the cold meats, and I expect he’ll find it difficult to stretch it over that weird pointy hat. Thinking more about it, he’ll probably start receiving complaints from customers because he can’t hear them through the toughened glass of his Pope-mobile, and when someone asks for half a pound of Yorkshire ham he’ll give them four Mini-Meltons by mistake. You can see why most Popes just stick with what they know best.

Hope that helps!




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Paxman dispensing vigilante cleverness

JEREMY Paxman has a vigilante alter ego called ‘Clever Man’.

The University Challenge host attacked a group of teenagers after leaping from a fire escape wearing a leotard, and bombarded them with general knowledge questions.

17-year-old Tom Booker said: “He appeared out of nowhere and demanded to know the chemical formula for potassium nitrate.

“I said it was KNO2 and he went mental, screaming ‘Everyone knows it’s KNO3!’

“In a flash, his massive spade-like hand encircled my neck. My friends were trying to intervene but with his spare hand he was wielding a fountain pen like a tiny sword.

“He kicked the shit out of us, then left a selection of academic textbooks on our semi-conscious bodies, like a calling card.”

Police believe the obsessively intellectual Paxman/Clever Man is also behind a threat to destroy the set of The Only Way Is Essex.

Inspector Emma Bradford said: “He’s threatened to kill the entire cast unless the government builds ten libraries by midnight.

“Then he told me his superhero motto, but it was in Latin so I didn’t understand.”