Spending time together will kill a relationship

SPENDING time with your partner is fatal for a relationship, experts have warned.

The Institute for Studies found that contact with your partner dramatically increases the risk of finding out what they are really like.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “During courtship, people frequently ignore a partner’s personality because of all the sex.

“However, once you’re in a steady relationship it is almost inevitable that you will discover your partner is genuinely excited about the new Dan Brown novel, or finds the expression ‘’elf and safety’ amusing.

“The key is to spend almost no time together.”

Professor Brubaker said that in the past couples had developed coping strategies, such as husbands spending an unnatural amount of time in an outbuilding.

However, modern urban living meant that more couples were being forced to enjoy each other’s company on a regular basis.

He added: “Activities such as sexual intercourse require both partners to be present. But there’s no reason to jeopardise your relationship by sticking around afterwards and talking to them.”

Marketing manager Nikki Hollis said: “My long-term partner Iain is an absolute anus, but by avoiding each other we’ve stayed together for 11 years.

“We pretend we’ve been on holiday together by wanking on endlessly to friends about this amazing restaurant we found in Thessaloniki. Actually we just looked it up on the internet.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The Daily Mash Guide to Wooing

IT’S  time to practise the ancient art of wooing, even if you are in a relationship which normally requires no effort whatsoever.

Home-made cards have an unbeatable personal touch. But if you lack drawing skills break into a school, steal a biology textbook and cut out a diagram illustrating sexual intercourse. Simply paste it onto a piece of cereal box with an arrow and the word ‘love’ highlighting the interlocking genitals.

Should you lack the ability to make or buy a card, an even easier way to let someone know you’re interested is to stare at them.

If dining out, assert your dominance by letting your partner know that the more expensive things on the menu are off-limits.

When the food arrives, set the tone for an erotically charged evening by saying, ‘The train has pulled into yummy town’ in a high-pitched voice.

Conceal any awkward silences by saying ‘well, this is awkward’.

Always reassure your date when leaving the table by explaining that it is time for a tinkle or a big job.

After dinner, it’s home for mints and intercourse. Keep the conversation going during sex by saying, ‘This is great, we’re actually doing it, what a pleasant surprise’.