Most days I sit around in grubby boxers watching Heir Hunters

Dear Holly,

I quit my job recently and am starting to regret it . Most days I sit around in a pair of grubby boxers watching Heir Hunters and eating multipacks of Wotsits. I know many would be jealous of my carefree lifestyle, but I can’t help feeling a little bit bored, especially when listening to my own interior monologue. My wife says I should take up Zumba but I’m not sure it’ll help. What can I do to make my life worth living again?

David Beckham

London

Dear David,

Sounds like you’ve got school summer holiday syndrome: you spend weeks of term time planning all sorts of jolly Swallows and Amazons-style adventures where you and some chums and a Jack Russell discover hidden treasure…but what you actually do is sit with the curtains drawn watching endless episodes of SpongeBob Squarepants whilst eating pick ‘n’ mix. By week three you suspect you’re developing rickets, so you go and hang about outside Pound-stretcher in town in a hoodie waiting for something to happen. If you’re lucky, someone will discover the waterlogged corpse of a rabbit down at the old quarry and you’ll spend hours looking at it and poking it with a stick. After that you feel like some of your original plans have been realised and so you go back to Spongebob Squarepants feeling somewhat satisfied.

Hope that helps!

Holly

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Concern over widespread happiness

EXPERTS are puzzled that over 80% of people in the UK do not feel pissed off.

New statistics show that only one in five people feels unhappy despite the existence of the government, every major newspaper, ‘Towie‘, NCP car parks and greetings cards where women from the 50s are saying something bitchy.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Clearly there is something wrong with that mostly contented 80% of the population.

“Are they somehow managing to avoid the mass media, and have thus never been exposed to the term ‘sideboob’ or seen a quirky advert for online dating?

“Have they never been in a Jack Wills shop or visited a bar where they have a ‘resident mixologist’?

“The ‘happy 80%’ must be either hermits – which makes little sense because hermits are notoriously reluctant to participate in surveys – or in some way disconnected from modern Britain.

“Perhaps they share a collective delusion and see the country in bright primary colours, a bit like Marioland.

“Either way, modern Britain is inexplicably in the grip of a happiness epidemic. It’s like World War Z except with smiling, upbeat people instead of zombies.”

31-year-old sales co-ordinator Tom Logan said: “I’m just a happy person.

“My friends try to bring me out of it, pointing out things like how a book about sado-masochistic sex games is more popular than all the world’s literary classics combined, but I remain impenetrably chipper.”