My boyfriend always says he’s not thinking about anything

Dear Holly, 

Whenever I ask my boyfriend what he is thinking, he always says ‘nothing’. Is this true? 



Dear Eliza,

I can give you a valuable insight into the male psyche which I gleaned yesterday from being dared by Stacey Sullivan to go and hide in the boys’ toilet during playtime. Once I had grown accustomed to the overpowering smell of faeces, and had read all the graffiti about Mrs Ainsely the PE teacher’s massive bumhole, I started to listen in to what they were saying. I can report back the following: Rafa is back (whoever he is) and he’s a bell-end; if you eat two Big Mac meals at once, your farts smell of petrol; and when you’re playing Call of Duty Black Ops, if you throw fifteen grenades at the orphanage you get a special fire-thrower and go back in time to 1965 where you can take acid and join the Black Panthers. That should give you some idea about what is going through your boyfriend’s mind at any point in time.

Hope that helps!