Clothes ban to combat obesity

AMERICA has begun rolling out a clothes ban in a bid to tackle over-eating.

City officials in San Francisco have outlawed clothing, hoping that forced nudity will stop residents gorging on chocolate-coated peanut things.

Special Disrobing Stations have been set up at the city limits.  Anyone entering San Francisco must first remove their clothes, and prove they are not hiding candy bars between rolls of fat.

City Supervisor Stephan Malley said: “It works two ways. People are incentivised to lose weight because they can no longer hide their flab with loose-fitting sportswear.

“Also, the sight of that sagging, paunchy flesh puts everyone off their food.”

Clothes stores are hastily rebranding themselves as body paint emporiums, while fashion designers are re-training as vajazzlers and scrotal stylists.

Strip clubs are the only locations where clothes are allowed, with customer queueing up to see fully clothed men and women fiddling with their buttons and pulling ping pong balls out of their pockets.

However the city’s fire-fighters believe the new law makes their job more hazardous.

Naked fireman Julian Cook said: “I slid down that pole once, never again. Buildings can burn, whatever, it’s not happening.”



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Baby Jesus did not eat full Christmas dinner, claims pope

POPE Benedict XVI has debunked the myth that baby Jesus’s first meal was turkey with all the trimmings.

The pope’s new book claims that a stable would have lacked basic cooking facilities as well as vital ingredients like stuffing mix.

Pope Benedict XVI said: “Mary would have been too exhausted from the birth to think about wrapping sausages in bacon. And they arrived late at the stable so there wasn’t much prep time.

“Men didn’t really cook back in the day so Joseph wouldn’t have helped. In fact he’d probably have been moaning, ‘Come on, we’ve got the wise men arriving at three, can’t you at least do some roast spuds and gravy.’

“Given the lack of facilities, the most Mary could have managed was jacket potatoes. Maybe the kings brought some salads or a trifle.

“Also Jesus was a baby, and babies don’t really like turkey. I expect it makes them puke. Chances are he just had milk.”

The pope’s book OMG: Snakes, Sodomy and Other Crazy Bible Stories also debunks the famous ‘loaves and fishes’ food myth.

Pope Benedict XVI said: “This year’s V Festival got 60,000 people in a day, and they fed them no problem without any miracles.

“But Jesus didn’t actually use fish, he wanted to keep costs down so he did a vegetarian dahl curry, which also would have kept for a couple of days if there was some left over.”