You're like that mentalist Bumgardener

Dear Holly,

I’ve had my eye on a woman from work for years, and finally she permitted me to have intercourse with her. I was a highly considerate and sensual lover, indulging her womanly desires to a shuddering crescendo before exploding across her heaving body like a firework that has been left in a biscuit tin since 1985. But now the cow has decided she’s not interested and would rather be just friends. What did I do wrong?


Market Deeping

Dear Peter,

Oh dear. Never let someone play with all your best toys the first time they come to your house, or they’ll never be back. You need to tease them for a few weeks with your rubbish Barbies and a tea set before you give them access to your Moshi monsters. You’re like that mentalist, Felix Bumgardener, leaping from the edge of the ozone layer at the speed of Sonic the Hedgehog. All very impressive, but what next? You can’t get higher than that. He should have started off with jumping off my granny’s garage, then maybe he would have more to run with. As it is, we’re all left disappointed and wishing a little bit that he’d gone splat.

Hope that helps!



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Miliband gets absolute shit kicked out of him

ED Miliband doesn’t talk so big when he’s in a headlock, Andrew Mitchell has confirmed.

The Labour leader received an almighty kicking after he got cocky in front of his friends at PMQs and described the belligerent, cop-baiting chief whip Mitchell as ‘toast’.

Tory back bencher Denys Finch Hatton said: “Mitchell approached Miliband as he was unchaining his bike. He simply pointed at him and said, ‘You.'”

“The subsequent beating lasted around eight minutes. No one wanted to intervene, it was just nature taking its course.”