Are you poor or do you just have kids?

STRUGGLING to make ends meet? You could be trapped by low wages, high rent and economic uncertainty, or you might just have kids.

Take our test to find out if you are poor or simply a parent.

An unexpected tax rebate of £300 arrives. What will you spend it on? 

A) Paying off QuickQuid, clearing rent arrears, and settling that outstanding gas bill. It doesn’t get your head above water exactly but it takes some of the pressure off
B) A ju-jitsu suit for Shaun, new swimming costumes and hats, a day out at a waterpark and bang, it’s gone.

Your great-auntie Hilda has passed on and left you £1,000 in her will. How will you spend it? 

A) With that kind of money I can get a rusting second-hand 19-year-old Toyota Corrolla and I won’t have to get the bus any more.
B) School shoes. If there’s enough.

You’ve been especially frugal this month and have a little bit of money left over. What do you plan to do with it? 

A) Maybe a night out at the cinema. I haven’t been out in years.
B) The kids. The kids. The bastard, money-eating kids. They do literally eat money, the other day you caught one of them chewing a fiver.


Mostly As: Great news, you’re just skint! All it takes is a bit more money and your problems are over!
Mostly Bs: Our condolences, as you appear to have two or more children. It doesn’t matter how much you earn. They’ll take all of it.

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England fan jailed for writing shit football song

AN ENGLAND fan has been jailed for writing a song called Ball of Victory.

34-year-old Tom Logan was arrested in the early hours of Sunday morning after posting a YouTube video of himself singing the self-penned song that rhymes ‘ball’ with ‘not taking a fall’.

A police spokesman said: “All football songs are pretty shit. This one is shit to the extent that it is offensive to all persons of taste and indeed to the very concept of music.

“To be clear, the chorus goes, ‘Football, football at its best, England puts you to the test, we will beat all the rest’. And that’s actually the best bit.

“I hope that’s enough to satisfy anyone who was going to bleat about freedom of speech.”

Although Logan is currently in prison for an unspecified time, his brother Martin Logan said: “It’s no shitter than Three Lions.

“Although I must admit I didn’t understand the bit where he sings ‘Football’s really coming home, time to give the dog a bone’. Is that a sex reference?”