Can you squeeze in a pint tonight?

CAN you just nip to the pub for a cheeky one after work, or will you get in trouble?

Having a job and/or family is exhausting and stressful. You will need a pint later. But could it be more trouble than it’s worth?

Take our test to find out. 

Can you just stay for one?

A) I don’t even like alcohol but I just need 30 minutes in a legitimate safe space.

B) Sipping a refreshing beer on a weekday will be tasting freedom, and there’s no way I could leave without six more pints of liberty.

Can you sit at the bar alone?

A) Easy, I’ll just be standing staring blankly at the optics like all those other lonely bastards.

B) Even with a phone or book I will still be concerned that people think I’m a pervert or on the run.

Can you lie convincingly? 

A) I haven’t told the truth since I had children.   

B) I adopt this weird kind of TV presenter voice when I’m lying and go bright red.

Can you deal with a brief experience of living another life?

A) Yes I do it all the time when I disappear to the bathroom for an hour.

B) The idea that I could do this most nights if I was single or divorced would shatter any willpower I have for soldiering on with my current existence.

Mostly As – Congratulations you can have a tasty pint.

Mostly Bs – Sorry no pints for you. Try again tomorrow night using the mantra ‘my partner would definitely do this if the situation were reversed’. 

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Cat wakes up on car roof after another massive session

A CAT has woken up on the roof of a random car after an all-night drinking session, it has emerged.

Cat Stephen Malley has no idea how he ended up sleeping on a 2003 Toyota Camry but does have a vague recollection of swaying around to Simply the Best with his collar off.

Malley said: “You know you’ve had a big one when you wake up on top of an object that can reach 110mph.

“Sometimes I’ll wake up on some shoes in the hallway or behind the telly but rarely does it get so bad that I wake up outside with my coat frozen onto metal.

“My mate has had a litter of six and we were out to wet the kittens’ heads. Or was that Sunday? I forget.”

Malley added: “Next up I’ve got to face the cat flap. You try opening a small door with your head after you’ve had a furful.”