Five inspirational quotes for people who don’t believe in spiritual, hippy bullshit

WANT to feel better about life without having to repeat wafty nonsense to yourself on a regular basis? Try these instead…

“I acknowledge that other people are fucking stupid, not me.”
Acknowledgement is important in affirmations, but you should affirm something that will help you get through the day without punching some idiot in the face.

“Happiness is a choice. Which is easier to make after two bottles of Shiraz.”
Whether happiness is a choice or not will never be definitively answered, but it’s an actual fact that you’ll feel better about life when you’re a bit pissed.

“I am blessed with incredible children but it doesn’t mean they aren’t little shits sometimes.”
It’s very important to count your blessings, but it’s equally as important to be in touch with reality and not so desperate to think positive thoughts that you let your kids act like bellends in public.

“I radiate an aura of hostility so leave me alone, dickheads.”
People who like affirmations believe your thoughts create your life, so enjoy living in an oasis of calm by repelling twats before they can even get near you.

“I wake up every day and wish I could spend the whole day in bed.”
Affirmations work best if you repeat them immediately after you wake up, so do this one enough and your office will probably burn down sooner or later.

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Parenting 'basically stops after second child'

PARENTS just let their offspring get the f**k on with it when they have more than two children.

Research shows that mothers and fathers of three or more basically give up and devote their attention to more interesting less stressful activities.

Mother of three, Karen Foster, said: “By the time you get to your third child, you realise that no matter what parenting techniques you use or how many organic meals you prepare from scratch, your child will turn out ok. 

“And even if they don’t, it’s fine, because you’ve still got another couple of kids that might.

“But mostly, we just don’t care anymore.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, added: “Parents of first or second children will respond to a child’s scream by immediately providing comfort and reassurance.

“Parents of three or four kids are more likely to yell – ‘is there any blood?’ from comfort of the sofa.”