Five quirky things to do instead of having a personality

NEED a personality in a hurry but not sure how to get one? Try these stress-free alternatives to being a well-rounded human being!

1. Develop an obsession with a type of beverage

Coffee, craft beer, or whisky, it’s not important – the only thing that matters is that you don’t shut up about it. Boycott Costa, roll your eyes at Wetherspoons and openly mock Jack Daniel’s, because all you care about is that ‘caramel mouthfeel’ and the satisfaction that comes from acting like you have interests.

2. Learn to speak a foreign language

But not a mainstream one like French or German – what is this, secondary school? Hide the fact that there is nothing going on behind your eyes by learning a few phrases in Xhosa or Basque. Then you can drop your new words into conversation and pretend you don’t even know you’re doing it. It’s easy as pastiza.

3. Imply mysterious sexual ambiguity

Hint that you lead an alternative lifestyle of wild sexual debauchery, like swinging, spanking, rope play, or doing it with the lights on. Drop cryptic references to Torture Garden into chats in the office kitchen. Don’t worry, you won’t actually have to go there, but your friends will think you might, and that’s good enough for you.

4. Take up an old-fashioned hobby

Knitting is a bit too common these days, but have you considered deer stalking, playing jazz euphonium, or taxidermy? Panic no more when asked if you have weekend plans – you can just reply, ‘I’m off to stealthily pursue and kill a deer, and then mount it next to my home-brewing kit and my eskuburdinak, like the interesting person I am.’

5. Get a tattoo

Use a tattoo to spell out, quite literally, that you’re not like everyone else, except the people with tattoos. Ideally you should have more than one, and each of them should have a anecdote to go with it. The anecdote should be more interesting than ‘I wanted a tattoo so I could talk about it instead of confronting the void that is my inner life’, so get thinking.