Your Astrological Week Ahead

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

A supportive group of friends comes in handy when you're feeling low about everything in your life. Maybe you should get one, loser.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Slow down and complete the task in hand before agreeing to take on another task with another person. Unless you like that kind of thing.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Being able to bend in the breeze when love thrashes you about is a skill worth developing. Some people will pay a fortune for that kind of thing.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Finding the One is starting to seem like a never-ending quest – but do you have to sample quite so many? Even if you carry on doing them two at a time it’s going to take for ever.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Slow down and appreciate the art of relaxing by yourself at home. But don’t relax too much as you will go deranged and become covered in boils.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

Love can't find you if you're always out to lunch. Ask a casual partner to write your name, number and sexual proclivities in the pub toilet. It worked last time!

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Make a conscious effort to appear more available for ‘romantic’ encounters – if that were possible.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Make your daydreams come true! Where there's a will there's a way. Self-fulfilling prophecies aren't fiction. Positive thinking and a little faith will do the trick. Aha ha, ha ha, ha, ha. Ha ha.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Flirting today could get you noticed in the wrong way. And once you are on that register it is a devil to get off!

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Watch out for a new admirer who will soon reveal their intentions. Strange, I’ve never heard one called that before.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Friends having relationship woes could really use your sense of humour to snap them out of it. And you could use their confusion and vulnerability to get sex. Everyone’s a winner!  

 

 

{mosimage}Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

A supportive group of friends comes in handy when you're feeling low about everything in your life. Maybe you should get one, loser.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Slow down and complete the task in hand before agreeing to take on another task with another person. Unless you like that kind of thing.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Being able to bend in the breeze when love thrashes you about is a skill worth developing. Some people will pay a fortune for that kind of thing.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Finding the One is starting to seem like a never-ending quest – but do you have to sample quite so many? Even if you carry on doing them two at a time it’s going to take for ever.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Slow down and appreciate the art of relaxing by yourself at home. But don’t relax too much as you will go deranged and become covered in boils.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

Love can't find you if you're always out to lunch. Ask a casual partner to write your name, number and sexual proclivities in the pub toilet. It worked last time!

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Make a conscious effort to appear more available for ‘romantic’ encounters – if that were possible.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Make your daydreams come true! Where there's a will there's a way. Self-fulfilling prophecies aren't fiction. Positive thinking and a little faith will do the trick. Aha ha, ha ha, ha, ha. Ha ha.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Flirting today could get you noticed in the wrong way. And once you are on that register it is a devil to get off!

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Watch out for a new admirer who will soon reveal their intentions. Strange, I’ve never heard one called that before.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Friends having relationship woes could really use your sense of humour to snap them out of it. And you could use their confusion and vulnerability to get sex. Everyone’s a winner!   

 

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MP Does Something Other Than Being A Dick

WESTMINSTER was left reeling last night after a senior politician did something that did not involve being a total dick.

Amid unprecedented scenes the MP said it was time to stop being a dick and devote his time to other things, starting with his job.

He told reporters: "Some people will say to me, 'what are you trying to achieve by not being an arrogant, grasping, hypocritical, self-serving, creepy, dishonest, sleazy dick-faced motherfucker?

"I say to them – it is very simple. It is time for one of us to take a stand. It is time for one of us to stop just being a total dick, all of the time."

He added: "I have spoken with the leader of my party. He thinks not being a dick is a risk, but I reminded him the British people are paying us all more than sixty grand a year to not be a bunch of dicks."

Labour politicians ridiculed his stance claiming that by not being a dick he was actually being even more of a dick.

But Senior Tories applauded the MP's anti-dick principles while stressing they would continue to act like dick-faced motherfuckers.

The dramatic development also left the Westminster press pack divided and confused, with many of them criticising the politician for interrupting their lunch.

Meanwhile scores of backbenchers have asked the Speaker of the Commons how they go about claiming expenses for watching David Davis's resignation speech.