Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The chimes of your personal cock are now sounding twelve.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your foot is on the accelerator and all delays are instantly swept aside, apart from that old lady who was dragged along by her shopping bag for 150 yards.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This new feeling of energy and determination that is bursting out of every pore ended abruptly last night.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Touch base with the fundamentals of home, family and marriage, if only to remind yourself how boring all that domestic shit really is.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You do mean to stay faithful but then you have these moments when you are drunk. Quite a lot of them actually.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Jupiter brings round an empty plastic bottle with the bottom cut off, a bucket, a small metal pipe thing and a large bag of skunk. What's that all about?
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The backwards motion of Venus into Pisces suggests something to do with mackerel and anal fun. Yet again.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Saturn thinks you should try making things out of wood. He suggests a coffee table or a spice rack.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Aries will ask you to go over some recent scenarios connected to your love life. Make sure he keeps his hands on the table where you can see them.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Yes, there are a lot of things you want to say right now, but that would mean I would have to take the rag out of your mouth.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You need to stay on your toes and be ready for sudden changes of direction, or else stop working as a ballerina.