Your Astrological Week Ahead

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The chimes of your personal cock are now sounding twelve.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your foot is on the accelerator and all delays are instantly swept aside, apart from that old lady who was dragged along by her shopping bag for 150 yards.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This new feeling of energy and determination that is bursting out of every pore ended abruptly last night.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Touch base with the fundamentals of home, family and marriage, if only to remind yourself how boring all that domestic shit really is.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You do mean to stay faithful but then you have these moments when you are drunk. Quite a lot of them actually.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Jupiter brings round an empty plastic bottle with the bottom cut off, a bucket, a small metal pipe thing and a large bag of skunk. What's that all about?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The backwards motion of Venus into Pisces suggests something to do with mackerel and anal fun. Yet again.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Saturn thinks you should try making things out of wood. He suggests a coffee table or a spice rack.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Aries will ask you to go over some recent scenarios connected to your love life. Make sure he keeps his hands on the table where you can see them.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Yes, there are a lot of things you want to say right now, but that would mean I would have to take the rag out of your mouth.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You need to stay on your toes and be ready for sudden changes of direction, or else stop working as a ballerina.

Jesus Would Have Had An Isa, Claims Archbishop

JESUS was a fiscal conservative who favoured low-yield bonds and secure tax-free investment vehicles, the Archbishop of Canterbury has claimed.

In his Easter address Dr Rowan Williams said the banks had forgotten the central message of the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus calls for the independent regulation of the credit rating agencies and condemns all those who offer mortgages at more than three and a half times joint annual salary.

Quoting the Gospel of St Matthew, the archbishop said: "And Jesus did sayeth unto his disciples, 'why hast though forsaken me and taken out yet another credit card with 0% interest for the first six months before rising to 19.8% for all new purchases?

"'Didst thou not hearest my Father when he sayeth you can deposit up to 7,200 shekels a year in an Individual Savings Account?'."

Dr Williams added: "The utter collapse of the entire financial world is God's way of telling us that we don't need iPods, plasma screens, multi-billion pound property portfolios and ornate buildings stuffed full of priceless art and solid gold crucifixes. Hang on, that didn't come out right."

The archbishop also called for Britain to become a monk-based economy using newly-closed factories as production centres for modest amounts of honey and mead.

He said: "No need to go mad. Just enough to keep us all in communion wine, heavy underpants and cassock starch."

Meanwhile in Rome, Pope Benedict use his Easter message to urge the warring factions in the Middle East to put aside their differences, 'except all the ones based on religion, obviously'.