Your Astrological Week Ahead...

Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
If you love somebody, set them free. Stockholm Syndrome is a wonderful thing.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It’s a shame Twitter restricts me to 140 characters, because that’s not even close to being enough for me to truly express how much of a cu

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re a lot like Marmite. It’s not that people either love you or hate you, it’s really about consistency and texture.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
An Australian man has broken into a zoo enclosure and tried to ride a crocodile. You should totally do that.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Don’t worry about whether there’s the right amount of cinnamon in your custard tarts or whether the pastry is crisp enough – they’re only getting smeared into some fat bird’s arse.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you lob some petrol bombs at the police, making headlines around the world and leading to fears of a return to terrorism and war. And you were just a bit bored and pissed.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Make your partner feel better about themselves by reacting to the news they’re leaving you by playing the Eastenders drum-roll on your belly.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week will see you mostly doing the fandango with some chap called Scaramouche. So that answers that question.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you are given a lift to New York by a prissy, boring, self-satisfied woman who does at least do a fairly convincing fake orgasm. Years later you will meet again and despite your fear of commitment and her unbearable personality you will fall in love and get married. But trust me, after about six months you’ll wish you had strangled her half an hour after getting in the car.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Still no word from Grand Designs about whether they want to film you putting in your new decking. Fingers crossed!

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
I don’t think it’s supposed to bend like that. Unless of course you want it to, in which case who the hell am I to go around judging people?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If you really do want to save £150 a year, forget cheaper car insurance and try going a week without whores and rum.


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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I don’t seem to be able to hang on to a man, no matter what I do. It’s not that I have any difficulties getting them in the first place: I just show a bit of nipple down the chippie and next thing I’m kneeling by the bins being pounded from behind by a hairy stranger. It’s the keeping hold of them that I can’t seem to master. Once it’s all over, and I’ve gathered up my chips, I turn around and the gentleman has completely vanished. Happens every time. Can you give me any pointers for progressing to the next stage of a relationship?
Tunbridge Wells

Dear Sandra,
By the time I was seven, I had managed to build up a collection of over 50 My Little Ponies, including Rainbow Dash, Sweetie Belle and  the incredibly rare Pinkie Pie, which hardly anyone has. The trouble is, that I was so overcome with excitement about my collection I stupidly invited pretty much everyone in the entire school round to my house to see. For one blissful afternoon, I was the talk of the school, and everyone wanted to be my friend. The trouble is, that because I was so hasty, the novelty soon wore off, and by the time Elizabeth Peterson got her hands on all four original Bratz dolls, my pony collection was long forgotten. Looking back, had I been less eager to expose my ponies all at once, and instead attempted to retain an air of mystery, I expect people would still be talking and wondering about them even now. Keep your Pinkie Pie to yourself for as long as you can, otherwise people will lose interest very quickly indeed.
Hope that helps!