Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
If you love somebody, set them free. Stockholm Syndrome is a wonderful thing.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It’s a shame Twitter restricts me to 140 characters, because that’s not even close to being enough for me to truly express how much of a cu
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re a lot like Marmite. It’s not that people either love you or hate you, it’s really about consistency and texture.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
An Australian man has broken into a zoo enclosure and tried to ride a crocodile. You should totally do that.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Don’t worry about whether there’s the right amount of cinnamon in your custard tarts or whether the pastry is crisp enough – they’re only getting smeared into some fat bird’s arse.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you lob some petrol bombs at the police, making headlines around the world and leading to fears of a return to terrorism and war. And you were just a bit bored and pissed.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Make your partner feel better about themselves by reacting to the news they’re leaving you by playing the Eastenders drum-roll on your belly.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week will see you mostly doing the fandango with some chap called Scaramouche. So that answers that question.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you are given a lift to New York by a prissy, boring, self-satisfied woman who does at least do a fairly convincing fake orgasm. Years later you will meet again and despite your fear of commitment and her unbearable personality you will fall in love and get married. But trust me, after about six months you’ll wish you had strangled her half an hour after getting in the car.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Still no word from Grand Designs about whether they want to film you putting in your new decking. Fingers crossed!
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
I don’t think it’s supposed to bend like that. Unless of course you want it to, in which case who the hell am I to go around judging people?
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If you really do want to save Â£150 a year, forget cheaper car insurance and try going a week without whores and rum.