You Owe Us A Total Ride, Men Tell Home Office

IF the Home Office has even a shred of decency left it will immediately replace Anna Chapman with something of comparable humpability, Britain’s men said last night.

As the Russian spy was stripped of her UK passport, males across the country said hold on a just a minute, before asking why we could not have all sat down and thrashed out a sensible compromise.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “For some reason the government thinks it’s vitally important to consult me on my children’s education, but not this. Any chance we could have a bit of consistency?

“If David Cameron and his boyfriend are so keen to do things differently then we should at least have some kind of constitutional or legislative mechanism for determining which sex kittens can stay and which arse-faced bowsers get bundled onto a plane.”

He added: “At least we can take some small comfort from the knowledge that Theresa May is probably not a lesbian.”

Roy Hobbs, from Stevenage, said he ‘just wanted the chance to share in her hopes and dreams and tits’ while Bill McKay, from Doncaster, insisted: “I’m sure we could have kept a close eye on her to prevent a repeat of the jiggery pokery.

“In fact, I had already drawn up detailed plans to keep her in my shed.”

Nathan Muir, from Finsbury Park, added: “I don’t think she would have caused any problems at all. She has a very honest and intelligent face and even though I have never met her I suspect that I would find her personality even more appealing than her looks. Also, I drive an Audi and I own my own flat.”

Chapman was arrested in New York for reading websites and sending emails, though UK intelligence sources believe she had also been used by the Russians to infiltrate the small business banking division at Barclays.

Former colleague, Julian Cook, said: “They replaced her with a plump girl called Susan. I hate it here.”

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Jolie Continuing To Promote Peace Through Ultra-Violent Action Films

ANGELINA Jolie last night urged movie-goers to be inspired by the pacifist message of her new film Unrelenting Gun Death II: So Much Blood.

The UN peace ambassador stars in the sequel to the blockbuster smash Unrelenting Gun Death, which grossed $568 million world-wide and, according to the Internet Movie Database, is the most masturbated-to film of 2008.

The franchise follows the exploits of Rifle Exitwound, a sexy assassin who carries 28 guns, drives a car made of grenades and lives in a state-of-the art eco-house that is also a giant knife.

It was created by a team of 19 writers, one of whom is a bear.

Jolie said: “Rifle is a truly complex character who could have done anything with her life but chose to become an unstoppable killing machine.

“The truly important thing is that her enemies are always portrayed as the sort of people who deserve to be killed. And that’s why she has no choice but to abseil down a burning building, spraying bullets everywhere while her nipples get bigger and harder with every kill.

“But I suppose the truly amazing thing about films like Unrelenting Gun Death, More Massive Weapons and One Enormous Explosion After Another is that they show the downside of unprovoked aggression.Which is, invariably, getting your punk-ass face kicked clean off by a smooth-limbed ultra-bitch.”

She added: “You know, when I visit places like Darfur I meet so many people who just want to live in peace. It really is just a very small majority who urge me to sommersault off a helicopter and machine-gun their enemies in the face.”

Film fan Tom Logan said: “Obviously these films sexualise violence, which is a shame because I would much rather they focused all their energies on sexualising nipples.”

He added: “That said, I think the effects of violence in films is debatable. Except for the new Shrek, which made me set fire to a tramp.”