Gibson And Cruise To Form United Psychopaths

MEL Gibson and Tom Cruise are to form a new studio dedicated to making films that are completely insane from start to finish.

United Psychopaths brings together two of the biggest stars of the last 40 years that should really have been chained to a wall and hosed down at least 10 times a day.

Early projects will include Jacob’s Lunch, Gibson’s not-awaited follow up to The Passion of the Christ, which tells the true story of a rubbery-lipped, big-nosed Jewish man eating a baby. It will be filmed in 3D.

Cruise wants to use the pair’s combined box office clout to produce a six hour-long action adventure which will just be him punching 250 of the world’s leading psychiatrists in the face over and over again.

The studio will also develop its own franchise about a secretive group of all-powerful vampires who take over the world after reading a book by a fat, 1950s conman and usher in an era of peace, love and no Jews.

Nathan Muir, editor of Filmings magazine, said: “United Psychopaths is very much in the spirit of United Artists, originally founded in 1919 by DW Griffiths, Charlie Chaplin, Mary Pickford  and Douglas Fairbanks. But this time, instead of artists, it’s psychopaths.”

Industry insiders said Gibson will now be able to film his long-cherished script Golliwog Holocaust, about a simple church minister who tells his congregation that black people are evil, but they refuse to believe him until he kills all the black people and becomes emperor of the universe.

The Braveheart star is also working on a biopic of black, Jewish song and dance man Sammy Davis Jnr, focusing on the Rat Pack legend’s fondness for indiscriminate murder and chihuahua rape.

In a bid to promote new talent the pair are inviting scripts and treatments from amateurs, particularly people who think they are a 500,000 year-old electric eel or whose heads are filled with a billion different voices.

Sources said the board meetings are likely to be ‘intense, creative free-for-alls’ involving Gibson and Cruise having a staring contest while sitting on opposing lavatories with their trousers and underpants around their ankles.

Cruise said: “We won’t need cameras. I will film everything through my left eye and then use my right eye to project it onto the moon.”

Gibson added: “I am going to kill everyone in the world.”


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Hang On, I'll Start Again, Says Gove

MICHAEL Gove has asked everyone to give him a minute while he starts his entire political career again from scratch.

The education secretary will arrive in Parliament on Wednesday dressed in authentic 2005 costume and pretend the last five years never happened.

Aides have been told to refer to him as ‘the new boy’ and ask him to remind them of his name half a dozen times a day.

Gove said: “As I enter the House of Commons for the first time I feel honoured, humbled and filled with anticipation ahead of what I hope will be a successful parliamentary career completely free of a succession of horrible, horrible mistakes.

“It should be a doddle as long as I don’t get rubbed up the wrong way by some uppity, socialist cu… oh shit. I’m sorry we’ll have to start again.”

Leaving the room and then returning 90 seconds later he continued: “As the new boy, I’m always willing to learn new skills, unlike some of those dozy fuckers you see in inner-city schools.

“They’re like shit-caked lumps of dripping wrapped in a blazer.

“Sorry, can you hang on a second, my PPS wants a word. Really? But they do. You should try walking through a comprehensive in Birmingham some time. Why can’t I just say that?

“Right, fine. I’m really sorry but we’ll have start the interview again, apparently. This is what happens when you let all these stupid bloody women work in parliam… oh, fuck this.”