Gibson And Cruise To Form United Psychopaths
MEL Gibson and Tom Cruise are to form a new studio dedicated to making films that are completely insane from start to finish.
United Psychopaths brings together two of the biggest stars of the last 40 years that should really have been chained to a wall and hosed down at least 10 times a day.
Early projects will include Jacob’s Lunch, Gibson’s not-awaited follow up to The Passion of the Christ, which tells the true story of a rubbery-lipped, big-nosed Jewish man eating a baby. It will be filmed in 3D.
Cruise wants to use the pair’s combined box office clout to produce a six hour-long action adventure which will just be him punching 250 of the world’s leading psychiatrists in the face over and over again.
The studio will also develop its own franchise about a secretive group of all-powerful vampires who take over the world after reading a book by a fat, 1950s conman and usher in an era of peace, love and no Jews.
Nathan Muir, editor of Filmings magazine, said: “United Psychopaths is very much in the spirit of United Artists, originally founded in 1919 by DW Griffiths, Charlie Chaplin, Mary Pickford and Douglas Fairbanks. But this time, instead of artists, it’s psychopaths.”
Industry insiders said Gibson will now be able to film his long-cherished script Golliwog Holocaust, about a simple church minister who tells his congregation that black people are evil, but they refuse to believe him until he kills all the black people and becomes emperor of the universe.
The Braveheart star is also working on a biopic of black, Jewish song and dance man Sammy Davis Jnr, focusing on the Rat Pack legend’s fondness for indiscriminate murder and chihuahua rape.
In a bid to promote new talent the pair are inviting scripts and treatments from amateurs, particularly people who think they are a 500,000 year-old electric eel or whose heads are filled with a billion different voices.
Sources said the board meetings are likely to be ‘intense, creative free-for-alls’ involving Gibson and Cruise having a staring contest while sitting on opposing lavatories with their trousers and underpants around their ankles.
Cruise said: “We won’t need cameras. I will film everything through my left eye and then use my right eye to project it onto the moon.”
Gibson added: “I am going to kill everyone in the world.”