Human rights campaigners trying desperately not to love Poundland

POUNDLAND is pretty good, human rights campaigners admitted last night.

Child labour activists said that although the chain was selling napkin rings made by Delhi street urchins on 7p an hour, they also do these massive bags of Starburst.

Inequality expert Tom Logan, said: “I’m not trying to excuse the use of underage labour, probably in conditions that make Oliver Twist look like Center Parcs, I’m just saying it’s got some alright stuff and it’s cheap. And they have Rocky bars. I didn’t think they still made Rocky bars.”

He added: “It’s a bit like Tesco’s slutty little sister – with all the attendant moral conflicts…”

Lawyer Nikki Hollis, of anti-child labour group Fair World, said: “However reprehensible child labour may be, we do have to remember that everything’s a pound.

“Don’t think I’m letting them off or anything but that’s a 12 piece screwdriver set – for a pound.

“I wouldn’t use it to put together a flat pack wardrobe, but it would come in handy if you’re making placards for a child labour protest march.”

Hollis added: “Jesus Christ! Look at the size of that bottle of screenwash! For a fucking quid!

“That’ll last ages.”


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£270k Headteacher Rubbing His Doctor's Nose In It

THE primary school headteacher on £270,000 a year is devoting much of his spare time to rubbing his doctor’s nose right in it.

Mark Elms stressed that while the increased spending power was utterly fantastic, the absolute best thing about his vast salary is that it is almost twice that of his local GP.

He said: “I get 28 weeks holiday a year and he only works until midday, so over the year we put in roughly the same amount of time.

“But he had to pass all these incredibly difficult exams, full of huge, complicated words, and he has to know the name of every single little bit of the human body.

“I just point at some random eight year-old and say ‘oi you, pick that up’. If I actually remember any of their names I reward myself with a weekend at the Dorchester.

“The rest of the time I just wander up and down the corridors, occasionally popping my head round the door to remind some haggard, middle-aged woman to be really good at teaching.”

He added: “Of course, half my salary was for attending a series of meetings where I brilliantly agreed that it was important to teach poor children how to spell.

“It’s vitally important work and I would gladly have done it for eighty or even seventy grand a year.”

But Elms stressed the greatest motivation for a modern head teacher was finally being able to wipe the shit-eating grin off their GP’s bastarding face.

“Before Labour came to power, whenever I went to see him, he would always pretend he didn’t know I what I did for living and then when I told him he would ask how many times I had failed to get into medical school.

“Then he would buzz through to his receptionist and ask her to rearrange his tee-off time before spinning round slowly in his chair and smiling at me.

“So this morning I shall collect my new Aston Martin DBS Volante, drive it to his surgery, beep the horn until he comes to the window and then shout ‘rearrange this, you fucking wanker’.”