Your Astrological Week Ahead

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

Your life right now is a buffet of options! There’s stale scotch egg, sandwiches that taste like ground-up dog, and a bowl of crisps tainted by piss fingers. What’s it going to be?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

One word sums up how you're feeling today: fucking shit.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Pay attention to your crush's current mood as tiny details indicate where your relationship might be headed. She’s asleep but you are still going at it? Things are looking up!

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

While everyone around you is struggling along under a cloud of grey, your jovial spirit makes you totally unbearable. Piss off.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

The search for the perfect lover may be a long one if your dating goals are unrealistic. Ask him to stop eating his kebab while you’re down there, but don’t get all huffy if he won’t.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

Your desire for your sweetheart can't be overstated! Don't tell them how you feel, show them with actions. That’s also a breach of your restraining order? Gee, that’s tough!

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Linger over coffee, take a leisurely walk around your neighbourhood and spend the evening contemplating the mysteries of the universe. Then go home and masturbate frenziedly.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Today is a perfect day for enjoying time with your sweetheart. Your husband is playing golf all day and then meeting his secretary for a quickie in the car park.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Be brave and dive into the wonderful world of personals. You might think dating sites are full of needy, desperate dating flunkies and you’d be right. Shags galore!

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

When was the last time you took yourself on a date? Treat yourself to a night out, or special dinner. Then give yourself a good seeing to, but don’t return any of your phone calls or texts.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You say you are feeling indecisive right now – but are you sure?