Your astrological week ahead, by Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)?
Sad news as UKIP cancels plans to combat homophobia accusations by having Roger Helmer do a G-A-Y show as John Inman’s character in Are You Being Served?.

bobinsideCancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)?
You’ve reached the age where the only time you’d be likely to be asked for ID is if you tried to get a flu jab.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
They say owners start to look like their dog and that’s true in your case as it died two years ago.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)?
That Tic Tac ad says they ‘turn your bum into maracas’, but you ate two packs of the diet ones full of Sorbitol and turned your bum into a lawn sprinkler.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
No news from the Oscar ceremony committee on your suggestion to rename the section commemorating this year’s deaths as “The gak or the sauce?”

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)?
While the song is right to tell people to stay away from Runaround Sue, her sister Tirama is a delight.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Sat on the sofa, one hand down your jogging pants and the other in a bag of Doritos, is the perfect way to spend a Saturday afternoon, if you can ignore all the DFS staff asking you to leave.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
After your wife handed you a set of divorce papers and a paternity suit for your birthday last year, you totally know how Yaya Toure feels right now.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)?
I’d rinse that under cold water if I were you. As long as you promise not to use my bathroom to do it.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)?
Standing on the set of a porn version of Star Trek, it’s not what you had in mind when you applied for a Data entry job.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Over the years you’ve helped raise awareness of a number of issues but the main one has been what a pain in the arse you are.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)?
Due to proportional representation, as of May 22nd you will now be Capricorn.