Hen parties embark on lifeless parody of fun

THOUSANDS of hen parties are preparing for raucous yet entirely fake fun.

As the hen party season begins, groups of women are booking hotel rooms in Bath where they will pretend to enjoy doing outrageous but strangely dull things.

31 year-old bride-to-be Emma Bradford said: “We had something called a ‘pamper day’ then we put on special t-shirts, each printed with a single word that summarises our personality.

“Mine said ‘cocklover’ which was a bit awkward as my nan was with us.

“Then I was given a list of tasks, like kissing a bald man’s head, something involving a dildo, etcetera etcetera.

“Everyone was laughing a lot, but in a quite forced way because the whole experience felt really empty, although nobody acknowledged that. However we will look back at the photographs and tell ourselves it was amazing.”

Bradford’s sister-in-law Nikki Hollis said: “I remember dancing in a big group to 80s music. My arms felt really tired and I just wanted to be in bed.

“There was a married estate agent who kept poking me in the back with his boner.

“One of Emma’s work friends said a racist thing to a shopkeeper, I lost my mobile and Donna ‘the mental one’ turned out to have legitimate mental health problems.

“The evening ended abruptly when we all had a massive argument about nothing.”

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iWatch just idiotic thing we came up with after a few pints, admits Apple

APPLE has finally admitted the iWatch is never going to happen because it was the result of a Thursday night pub crawl.

The tech giant said ‘wearable technology’ was ‘stupid’ and promised shareholders that from now on its product development would be ‘less boozy’.

Chief executive Tim Cook said: “I went out for what was supposed to be a couple of pints with our designer Jonathan Ive and some of the marketing guys, who it turns out are total piss-artists.

“After maybe the fifth pint, I said something about a tiny iPad you could wear on your wrist. I’m pretty sure I called it a wristband rather than a watch, but anyway.

“Ive was like ‘yeah, I can totally see it’, while the marketing guys just stood there, nodding like freaks and saying ‘game changer’ over and over again.

“Then the chat moved on, as usual, to taking the piss out of Microsoft until we were laughing so hard we could barely speak.”

He added: “I’d completely forgotten about it the next morning, but obviously one of the others thought I was being serious. I absolutely was not.”

Cook also stressed that anything he may have said that night about the durability of MacBooks was ‘total and utter bullshit’.