Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It's about that ringtone of yours. The one of that terrorist puppet shouting 'I Keell You!' Well, the thing is, unless you delete it immediately, I will 'keell' you. So, you know, something to think about there.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The collection of bogeys you've been keeping in your desk drawer is almost complete. Try throwing it in your boss's face this Friday during your disciplinary hearing.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Since when has it been against the law to look up while travelling on an escalator? I know my rights.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
While some may view your wide-eyed wonder at all the joys of the world and your love of home-made badges and fairy cakes as endearingly child-like, it makes most of us want to chain you to a dishwasher and throw you in a canal.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your bankruptcy hearing goes badly this week as your creditors are told that you used their numerous bills, final demands and court threats to make yourself a little fort in your living room.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The moon starts off in your sign this week but then pops round to Sagittarius for some spliff and ends up with a whitey after caning it on the bucket bong.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
While it's true that lightning never strikes twice, streaks of quite incredible bad luck often happen to the likes of you. So brace yourself.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Virgo bustles around your flat, picking up dirty dishes and socks, wearing a face of enforced martyrdom that will make you want to bite your fist off in irritation.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
So far this week your actions have caused your adoptive parents to be burned to a cinder and your mentor beheaded. You've snogged your sister and you've murdered thousands of innocent public sector workers by blowing up a moon-sized spaceship. Enough with this 'force' shit, alright?
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
By the age of five, Mozart had completed his first musical compositions. So, let's look at your achievements, shall we? Completing Bioshock on the PS3. Gosh.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Two major things dominate your life this week, pervert sex and the acquisition of money through despicable fraud. But where's your parade?
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Expect doors that were once firmly closed to you to suddenly swing open and smash you squarely in the face.