Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Since your wife read 50 Shades Of Grey your love life has really changed – her saucy text messages have become grammatically all over the place.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Disappointment at Legoland after a member of staff points out that despite their slogan ‘There’s something for everyone’ it doesn’t include a ‘whiskey and strippers’ zone.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A roadside advert shows you’ve missed yet another gig from the popular band Fatal Collision.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A performance by the magician Dynamo is interrupted when you stop pedalling halfway through.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After that ‘gold’ necklace turns your girlfriend’s neck green, apparently singing that Diana Ross / Bee Gees song ‘isn’t helping’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
No, the O2 network is back up. You just have no friends.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Marvel rejects your idea that they reboot The Hulk set in Carlisle, but where boredom rather than anger sets him off.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
How about getting the hashtag #theoneandonlylifeyoulleverhave trending?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Sex is also the most fun you can have with your clothes on, so long as you hack a hole in the groin area with a pair of scissors. Nobody likes a crotchless clown outfit, though.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
What is so fascinating about your complete and utter self-absorption is how it takes you all day to obsess over a personality that could be covered in three minutes, tops. Don’t you get bored?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
All your married friends are so envious about your bachelor lifestyle, not realising the word largely relates to the amount of Cup-A-Soups you drink.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
A bold new frontier in your pissy, pain in the arse food fads this week as your wheat allergy is joined by a chaff allergy.

 

 

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Coe smashes 'biggest bollocking' world record

LONDON 2012 has announced its first world record after Lord Coe delivered the world’s biggest bollocking to his senior management team.

The record bollocking, which lasted three hours 46 minutes and 34 seconds, was triggered by a sequence of total fucking balls ups over pretty much every detail of the Olympics from security shortages and travel delays to running out of towels.

During the epic bollocking, Lord Coe kicked a desk over and said: “This is a sack of shit. A massive sack of shit. I’m not even sleeping.

“Why can’t you just do one fucking thing right?”

As the bollocking unfolded, the games chief’s tone became increasingly paranoid, prompting his subordinates to look at each other and silently mouth the words ‘what the fuck?’

Punching a whiteboard, he said: “I know you all hate me, I know you laugh at my hair and you want me to fail.

“I won’t let you destroy me. I am the phoenix.”

Manager Emma Bradford said: “When we were summoned to his office we knew this would be ‘bad man beat downs’, but didn’t realise we were to become part of bollocking history.

“It was a truly majestic piece of ownage and I feel truly honoured to have been called a ‘gonk-faced shitwit whose only achievement is exuding about enough body heat to keep a chair warm’.”