Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Since your wife read 50 Shades Of Grey your love life has really changed – her saucy text messages have become grammatically all over the place.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A roadside advert shows you’ve missed yet another gig from the popular band Fatal Collision.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A performance by the magician Dynamo is interrupted when you stop pedalling halfway through.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After that gold necklace turns your girlfriends neck green, apparently singing that Diana Ross / Bee Gees song ‘isnt helping’.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
No, the O2 network is back up. You just have no friends.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Marvel rejects your idea that they reboot The Hulk set in Carlisle, but where boredom rather than anger sets him off.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
How about getting the hashtag #theoneandonlylifeyoulleverhave trending?
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Sex is also the most fun you can have with your clothes on, so long as you hack a hole in the groin area with a pair of scissors. Nobody likes a crotchless clown outfit, though.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
What is so fascinating about your complete and utter self-absorption is how it takes you all day to obsess over a personality that could be covered in three minutes, tops. Dont you get bored?
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
All your married friends are so envious about your bachelor lifestyle, not realising the word largely relates to the amount of Cup-A-Soups you drink.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
A bold new frontier in your pissy, pain in the arse food fads this week as your wheat allergy is joined by a chaff allergy.